Many great men in history wore moustaches with pride. Heroes like Hulk Hogan and Chuck Norris disposed of shavers.
Great minds such as Shakespeare and Albert Einstein twirled their curly moustaches as they pondered. Merv Hughes, the legendary Australian pace bowler, had massive handlebars which rustled in the wind.
The late lead singer of Queen Freddie Mercury’s moustache can be bought on eBay. Any woman with memories of the 80s will get weak at the knees when they reminisce about Tom Selleck’s brown, sometimes black, Magnum P.I. moustache (arguably the most charismatic moustache in history).
“I think woman find facial hair attractive because it resembles a lion’s mane,” said the 50-something Mo Stash, lighting a mahogany pipe.
“A man either looks irresistible with a moustache, or atrocious, there is no middle ground,” he laughed.
“It’s a generation thing. All these hipsters and their seasonal moustaches every November. When I was a kid having facial hair meant something,” he said, stroking the silver bristles on his upper lip with his thumb and forefinger.
There have also been many powerful, yet infamous men, who donned the public patch, like: Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Saddam Hussein, “who was, well, so damn insane,” snickered Stash.
“Sometimes short men grow one because it gives them a feeling of strength. That is where the Hitler or Mugabe style moustache emanates from,” said Stash.
“Paedophiles and Peter de Villiers have also given moustaches a bad name,” he said soberly.
“There are different moustaches for different moods. The thin moustache is for autocratic leaders with short man syndrome, inserted into their faces like an exclamation mark.
“Some men go through a midlife crisis and buy a convertible or ride something powerful between their legs like a Harley Davidson.
“Others grow a handlebar moustache,” he said.
“People think moustaches take minimal effort. Any moustached man knows this is not the case.
“A lot of work and tender care and attention go into this bad boy,” he said, again stroking his pride and joy. Stash is currently wearing the Simpsons’ Ned Flanders “compassion moustache”, very popular this summer.
“I set aside Sunday afternoons for grooming my masterpiece,” he said.
“Whether it’s the autocratic Hitler look or mean Hulk Hogan complete with mutton chop sideburns, I try to decide what aspect of my masculinity I want to reflect on my face that day,” said Stash.
Through word of moustache, Stash heard that there’s a female fringe equivalent of Movember being launched, called Sanuary, when women will go unshaven for a month for cervical cancer. More than anything, Stash deplores the seasonal moustache wearers of Movember.
“If you only grow a moustache for the sake of Movember then what’s the point?” he asked.
“It’s more than a moustache, it’s a lifestyle choice. But Movember has become less about prostate cancer and more about yuppies feeling the need to show they have reached puberty.”
Stash’s advice; “Go to a hospital and volunteer. Or get your prostate checked because that is the essence of Movember.
“It can be fun too.” - Sunday Tribune
* Mo Stash is a fictitious, mustachioed character.