Shapewear for men comes of age

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Published Aug 25, 2015

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London - There aren’t many situations my wife Jane would not allow me to see her in (I’ve seen her give birth for heaven’s sake) but she drew the line at seeing her in control underwear.

Apparently there are some spectacles even a 22-year marriage would struggle to recover from.

She bought her Spanx underwear online to wear under a particularly clingy frock she had bought for my 50th birthday party three years ago. She hoped they would flatten her stomach. They did, but unfortunately that created a series of fleshy bulges elsewhere. She consigned them to the back of her knicker drawer where they remain, unsexy, unloved.

I chuckled at the time, bewildered at the lengths women will go to in order to look a dress size slimmer. Little did I know that a few years later I would be parading in front of Jane in a series of control underwear pants as she shrieked with laughter.

While women of all ages and sizes stuff themselves into what look like giant sausage skins, we chaps have mostly shunned girdles or corsets, except when done very secretively, hoping that, like the toupee, they will make us look 10 years younger without screaming their presence.

Apparently, Bing Crosby habitually wore a girdle, but he never made a song and dance about it. Earlier this year, the estimable pop star Ed Sheeran admitted he wore one at an awards show, because his “belly went nuts” under a tight shirt.

Now, according to Mathias Schulz, head of international sales for German- based company ITEM m6, which specialises in “intelligent legwear” for men (the euphemisms for clingy pants are many and varied), 2016 will be “the year of male shapewear”.

He would say that though, wouldn’t he? Nevertheless it is true that suddenly there is a crowded market where just a few years ago there was scarcely a market at all and the only course of action for a man who developed a tum was: “Breathe in and loosen the belt a notch.”

Curiously one manufacturer credits former EastEnders character Minty Peterson for the male girdle boom. In an episode of the soap he resorted to control pants because he wanted to look good at a wedding. Girdles are also said to be disproportionately popular in the Anglo-Asian community. Whatever the story, I decided to take the plunge and to see why a man would rather buy circulation-killing undies than go to the gym.

And, let’s face it, that is another difference between the sexes. Whereas women are inclined to consider themselves fatter than they really are, men often delude themselves that they are slimmer.

We live in a much more self-aware age. It is no longer just women looking at models on billboards and thinking “better lay off the sausage rolls”. In his adverts for M&S, model David Gandy looked so ripped you could see the outline of his muscles through his suit!

My waistline has not expanded greatly since my 20s, but that is really just a nice way of saying that I was not exactly slim then, either. Aged 33, I had a 34in waist. At 53, I am up to 36in.

I weigh about the same as I have for years. Nevertheless, when I am being honest with myself, I can see in the mirror that I am edging more and more towards that dreaded adjective, ‘portly’.

Jane, though she claims to be unaware of any increasing heft, has taken to making little alterations to my look, such as pulling out my shirt when it is tucked in too tightly.

Could control pants deal with my middle-aged spread? I was doubtful. For one thing, men have our erm, ‘equipment’ to consider. If these pants can crush a tummy’s rolling contours, what would they do to more delicate areas?

Also, as Jane told me, trips to the loo are best not left to the last minute (would they afford easy access on an urgent trip?). And what would they look like? It’s not as if any woman other than my wife ever sees me in my pants but I would still rather she didn’t laugh at me when I undress at night.

 

SHAPING UP NICELY!

SHAPFORM SLIMMING TRUNK, £23.

Despite a 6in waistband that was more like a cummerbund, these felt pretty normal, as if they had been designed by a man, rather than sadistic witches.They weren’t desperately tight around the crotch and also afforded easy access on loo visits. I would go so far as to say that I might wear these again.They even did a reasonable job of compressing my tummy without squashing my privates.

Jane thought they were ‘all right’ and conceded that if I had worn them on our first date, she wouldn’t have necessarily run for the door. She did think they gave me a muffin top, though. She also pointed out that the fellow wearing them on the packaging, supposedly in need of a slimmer look, is already possessed of an almost perfect shape. “Welcome to my world,” she said, bitterly.Rating: 3/5 -

 

WOBBLING LIKE A BOWL OF JELLY

PELHAM & STRUTT CORE TRUNKS, £27.50.TO MY astonishment I rather liked these and appreciated the jaunty turquoise. They certainly kept everything nicely packed.I could have done with these ten years ago when I had a vasectomy and was told to wear tight-fitting undies until the pain subsided.On the downside, I didn’t feel they made me look slimmer. In fact, like Jane found with her Spanx, they seemed to make me bulge more above the waistband. I was never much good at physics but I do understand displacement theory. If you press down hard enough on a bowl of jelly, some of it will wobble over the sides.After watching me walk by, Jane wondered whether Pelham & Strutt might be instructions, rather than a brand name. Rating: 3/5-

 

SHEER TORTURE, TEUTONIC-STYLE

SEAMLESS BOXER BRIEFS, £39.90.

These looked and felt as if I had been urgently bandaged up, which isn’t surprising as the German parent company is called Medi and the pants are recommended for men with lower-back problems.That’s nothing new. President John F. Kennedy wore a girdle to ease his back pain. but these were distressingly constricting in the crotch area, which would not have suited JFK and wasn’t much good for me, either. They were positively emasculating and I almost had to call for assistance on a visit to the loo. As for Jane, she recoiled, shrieking that they were distinctly see-through. My son walked in at this point and said: “That is literally the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” Rating: 1/5 -

 

I FELT LIKE AN EDWARDIAN GENT

TONE-TEE AND TONE TRUNK, £9.99 EACH.THE only top-and-bottom ensemble I tried. All I needed were the mutton-chop whiskers to complete the look of an Edwardian gent at the seaside.I know none of this underwear is actually meant to be seen but I found the elasticated body-stocking felt somewhat claustrophobic and resolved not to compete in next year’s Tour de France.It held me in pretty well but on the other hand rather showcased some lumps and bumps I didn’t know I had.Jane found the V-neck “alarmingly feminine” and agreed this was an outfit best hidden from the world. Rating: 2/5-

 

A PERFECT POUCH FOR AN IPHONE

SPANX COMFORT BOXER BRIEF, £50.These felt like traditional Y-fronts, rather as if after toying with the idea of man Spanx, the makers decided that most men were neither brave nor committed enough to fight the flab in these. They may be right.I didn’t feel as if they had any impact on my tummy but I did like the little horizontal front slit, which seemed intended less for ease of access and more like a convenient place to keep an iPhone.

Jane agreed that these looked pretty normal and that there was no indication that they were trying to hold me in.Rating: 4/5

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