By Allyson Milner
Having been faced with the issues of honesty and integrity not once, but twice, this year, it got me thinking about the importance of teaching this invaluable characteristic to our children.
Although many people are taught behaviour, peer pressure and the desire to be bigger and better than everyone else can soon test a person's integrity, but the lack thereof has huge repercussions, leaving one with the stigma of being untrustworthy.
If we were to make a list of character traits we want our children to have, I am pretty sure honesty would be in the top 10.
It is not as easy to teach as we may think, as the child must first understand what lying is and why it is bad. It needs to be distinguished from mistakes, misunderstandings, jokes, storytelling, fantasy and white lies told in order to not offend.
Most children will tell lies out of fear. Fear of our reaction to transgressions and the consequences. When we are too severe we encourage them to lie the next time instead of taking responsibility for their actions.
For example, grounding a child for two weeks because he did not tell you he broke an ornament is not going to teach him the importance of telling the truth. Younger children need to understand the difference between make-believe and truth - that there is a time for storytelling and how important it is to be truthful.
So what should we do when children lie?
- Show compassion and empathy, and be loving towards the child.
- Talk to them about why they lied and what they could do differently.
- Discuss the effect their lying may have had on others and themselves.
- Discuss what they need to do to make things right (eg if they lied to someone, get them to go back and apologise. This gives them a second chance at being truthful).
Instilling integrity:
- Create a safe and secure environment in your home where honesty is expected and required.
- Don't set them up to lie. In other words, don't try to catch them out. Instead of asking them a question you already know the answer to, eg "Do you have homework?" It's better to say, "You know you're not supposed to watch TV until your homework is done."
- Praise children for telling the truth.
- Be honest yourself. Don't lie to your children or allow them to hear you lie to others.
When it comes to teaching our children how to possess integrity, we can only sow the seeds to give them the opportunity to form this characteristic. We are relentless at teaching children to say please and thank you. We need to be equally relentless in teaching the importance of honour, trust and integrity.
- Allyson Milne is a parenting coach.