YESTERDAY we discussed the imminence of an invasion as a possible rationale for the rash of changes in place names, especially on the east coast. You know, have them thinking they’re marching to Pretoria when actually they’re marching to Baardskeerdersbos.

And it’s a little disconcerting in this context to learn that our air force no longer flies. It’s not entirely clear whether this is because we’re short of pilots or erks (that is, air force mechanics) or whether we’re just short of aviation fuel.

What is abundantly clear though from the speech by air force chief Lieutenant-General Carlo Gagiano at the annual air force parade and fly-past (where this year they didn’t fly) is that the service is badly short of cash. It can’t afford to put planes in the air.

Yet didn’t we recently take delivery of Gripen fighters from Sweden and Hawks from Britain, at enormous cost? Something seems to be badly out of kilter.

No aircraft in the air for the annual fly-past – whatever next? A naval review in rowing boats? The Presidential Guard in jockstraps and takkies? Somebody seems to have fouled up badly in defence budgeting and administration.

Yet the government does find the cash for things like jetliners shadowing the presidential jet across the Atlantic; ministerial visits to girlfriends in jail in Switzerland; and prolonged five-star hotel accommodation for ministers and their entourages. At least some government employees are scraping up the money.

Were it not for this, we would be entitled to feel uneasy.

Fuel for debate?

A SHIPMENT of cocaine from Mexico, worth more than $2 million (R15.6m), arrived at United Nations headquarters in New York in fake UN diplomatic pouches.

It seems it was delivered by mistake by a shipping company. The pouches were addressed to no individual and it seems their purpose was to avoid a search at customs. The company delivered them, presuming the UN would know who they were for. Now it’s with the New York Police Department.

I wonder how long this kind of thing has been going on? Judging from the level of UN debate over the years, quite some time.

HR in Oz

THE HUMAN Resources people in the Australian Federal Government don’t mince their words. Here are some extracts from employee performance evaluations:

l Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.

l I would not allow this employee to breed.

l This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.

l Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

l He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

l This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

l He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

l This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

l This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

l A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

l When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

l A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

l If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

l Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

l The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Tailpiece

A TENNESSEE farmer goes into an attorney’s office.

“May I help you?”

“Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

“Well, do you have any grounds?”

“Yeah, I got about 140 acres.”

“No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”

“No, I don’t have a Case. I’ve got a John Deere.”

“No, you don’t understand. I mean do you have a grudge?”

“Yeah, I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

“No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

“Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

“Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

“No sir, we both get up about 4.30am.”

“Okay, let me put it this way. Why do you want a divorce?”

“Well, I can’t never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

Last word

If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had. – I F Stone