INLSA

Spike Farrell is the author of Marriage and Divorce: A Survival Guide, and is frank about the fact that a lot of what he has to say is common sense, which gains value when applied. Picture: Sbonelo Ngcobo

One of the saddest things anyone can go through is the collapse of a marriage or relationship.

Look around – how many relationships do you see that are in trouble? Then look around for the relationships that work.

The most important thing to remember is that all marriages and relationships go through bad patches, and it takes total commitment on both sides to get through the bad times and make it work.

If you are in a physically abusive relationship or an emotionally abusive partnership, then get out. Remember, once an abuser, always an abuser. And you have to be safe.

In your relationship, you must have mutual respect, because once that goes, so does the relationship. The most frightening thing is that more than half of marriages fail, 85 percent of second marriages end in divorce and, believe it or not, 90 percent of third marriages end up on the rocks.

So why do people still get married?

The reasons are quite simple: companionship, love, to have children, and, of course, financial security.

But if you do tie the knot, give it all you’ve got, otherwise that piece of paper you signed will be just that, a piece of paper! People often talk about the seven-year itch. Sorry, that’s wrong – most couples start to reassess their lives after two years.

And that’s when the real work starts.

It’s easy to slip into a situation where you take one another for granted, but it’s quite easy, with just a little bit of commitment, to spot what’s happening and to rectify it before it’s too late.

Here are some basic guidelines to help you avoid becoming another statistic:

l Listen to your partner, and I mean really listen. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is not saying.

l Don’t be “lazy” in your marriage. Marriage is hard work, and needs constant maintenance, just like your car. Show affection for your partner, don’t think: “Why bother? They know I love them.” Wrong.

l Little things count. The surprise bunch of flowers, a quick hug or kiss – it really makes all the difference.

l Be open and honest about your finances, don’t give your partner any nasty surprises.

l Don’t be selfish. Think about your actions and empathise with your partner, project yourself into their position before you do something.

l Don’t criticise your partner, it just wears people down.

l Don’t control your partner. No one likes to be controlled.

All these points are basic, but it’s surprising how easy it is to slip into a situation where you just take your partner for granted, and forget the simple but important things in a relationship. No one said it was going to be easy.

l Farrell’s book is available from Exclusive Books, Books and Books, Adams Musgrave, Kloof Newsagents and other smaller book stores, as well as Amazon.com and Kindle. It costs R120.