The Idler: Generals on the beat

REUTERS

An Italian woman pushes her broken down Fiat 500 as her dog sits inside, in a suburb of Rome. Picture: Reuters

There’s talk that senior police officers – major-generals – might soon be put on the beat, bringing to bear their experience in the fight against crime and correcting a certain top-heaviness in the service.

But why stop at major-generals? Let’s get the full generals out there as well. Why not have a few field marshals on patrol? That |would frighten the pants off the baddies.

The police service doesn’t have field marshals, you say? Well, that’s easily resolved surely. Just create a few. In fact, what better way to correct the top-heaviness? Field marshals in patrol vans would balance things out perfectly between those on the beat and those pushing pens in head office.

But for the moment it’s majors-general. One imagines the pep-talk as one of these takes command of a suburban police station.

I am the very model of a modern major-general,

I've information vegetable, animal and mineral,

I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical

From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,

I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,

About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;

I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:

In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern major-general …

Yes, that’s what the fight against crime needs – major-generals on the beat. Experience and knowledge plus lots of brass and swagger sticks.

Still a mystery

More fun this week at St Clement’s – the regular soiree of folk who appreciate the arts plus a glass or two of wine – with further reading of entries in the 100-word short story competition.

But the identity of the author of one of the top 10 entries remains a mystery (the name disappeared due to a computer glitch). Last week’s appeal for him/her to come forward has had no response.

Looking at the short story again, it could have come from outside KwaZulu-Natal.

It features an icy river. Where does one find such rivers? The Cape? Overseas? You do find them in East Griqualand and the Drakensberg but the folk there read The Mercury.

The story is titled Out Of Sight. The author should contact Pieter Scholtz at kwasuka1@mweb.co.za

Kissing in church

Time for Divinity studies. Lilian Develing of Hillcrest sends in some letters to God, written by American children. All begin “Dear God”:

* I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that OK? – Neil.

* In bible times did they really talk that fancy? – Jennifer.

* I am an American what are you? – Robert

* I bet it is pretty hard for you to love everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. – Nan.

* Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. – Ginny.

* If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Mickey D.

* If we come back as something please don’t let it be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. – Denise.

* Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. – Larry

* We read Thos Edison made light. But in Sun. School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. – Donna.

* If you let the dinasor not extinct we would not have a country. You did the right thing. – Jonathan.

* Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. – Peter.

* Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. – Joyce.

Tailpiece

Two teenagers are arrested for smoking a joint in the park. At the police station the sergeant advises them that they’re entitled to make one telephone call. Fifteen minutes later a guy walks in. The sergeant: “Are you these kids’ lawyer?”

“Heck, no. I’m the pizza delivery man.”

Last word

There is a great deal of difference between an eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read. – G K Chesterton