The Idler: Rugby in all-out camouflage

The marketing gurus continue to stamp their authority on Super Rugby. Not just the names of the teams are absurd, the kit they wear often is as well.

At the weekend, we had the Brumbies playing the Rebels in blue and white jerseys that were practically identical. Referee Craig Joubert (a local boy from Maritzburg and one of the best in the competition) stuck out like a sore thumb wearing orange, as did the touch judges.

The Ponytails have to get working on this. For the final we expect nothing less than black and white hoops for both sides (one lot with hoops running left to right, the other running right to left); similar black and white hoops for the ref and touch judges; and grass that has been dyed into black and white lateral stripes. Plus a fluorescent red ball, which will be the only thing visible.

That’s telegenics. We have to move with the times. Camouflage is the name of the game. The Ponytails say so.

Midday lamp

MICHAEL Green, retired editor of our sister newspaper the Daily News, picks up on the mention last week of the Greek philosopher, Diogenes.

“He was the man who walked around carrying a lamp in broad daylight. When questioned, he said that he was looking for an honest man.

“He was last seen wandering in the streets of Pretoria and Polokwane.”

Pyongyang comedy

NORTH Korea is a threat to world peace, an obnoxious tyranny, a society trapped in a time warp. Its people starve while its military elite grow fat.

Its people are thoroughly brainwashed. It’s an appalling place and the contrast with South Korea – bustling, productive and free – could not be more marked.

But the North Koreans do give us a laugh. This isn’t the first time one of its rockets has broken up and exploded, virtually as it was launched. The difference this time is that the normally secretive regime invited along 200-odd foreign journalists to watch.

But comedy has its shadow. Imagine if something went equally wrong with the regime’s nuclear testing. That would be not quite so funny.

Signage

SOME signs in various parts of the world:

l Cocktail lounge, Norway: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”

l Doctor’s rooms, Rome: “Specialist in women and other diseases.”

l Dry- cleaners, Bangkok: “Drop your trousers here for the best results.”

l Restaurant, Nairobi: “Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.”

l On the Nairobi-Mombasa road: “Take notice. When this sign is underwater this road is impassable.”

l Rules and regulations, Tokyo hotel: “Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.”

l Menu, Swiss restaurant: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”

l Bar, Tokyo: “Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”

l Hotel, Serbia: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”

l Hotel, Japan: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

l Hotel lobby, Moscow: “You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily, except Thursday.”

l The Black Forest, Germany: “It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.”

l Hotel, Zurich: “Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”

l Donkey rides, Thailand: “Would you like to ride on your own ass?

l Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: “We take your bags and send them in all directions.”

l Laundry, Rome: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and then spend the afternoon having a good time.”

Tailpiece

NO ENGLISH dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words “complete” and “finished” in a way that is easy to understand. Some say there is no difference between “complete” and “finished”.

But there is. When you marry the right woman, you are “complete”. And when you marry the wrong one, you are “finished”.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are “completely finished”.

Last word

Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first. – Peter Ustinov