SANDF moms won’t be home for Christmas

Members of the South African Defence Force (SANDF) Picture: Tiro Ramatlhatse

Members of the South African Defence Force (SANDF) Picture: Tiro Ramatlhatse

Published Dec 21, 2015

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Johannesburg - It has been six months since Mahlodi Bopape saw her daughter, and she could not wait to hold herin her arms. She yearned to embrace her and plant kisses all over her.

As she approached her parents’ home, she envisioned the little girl running happily towards her the minute she swung the gate open. But when Bopape stretched out her arms, the little girl ran away, crying bitterly.

She ran into the arms of her aunt (Bopape’s little sister) for comfort. For the 13-month-old toddler, Bopape was a stranger.

“I understood, but it still hurt,” said Bopape.

She is one of the SANDF soldiers on a peacekeeping mission to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

And, like her colleagues, she won’t be home to celebrate Christmas with her child and extended family members.

Speaking to The Star at a base in the eastern part of the Central African country, she spoke of how she had battled to adjust when she was first sent to the DRC in June 2013.

“When I went back, she (her daughter) didn’t even recognise me. I had left when she was just seven months old and returned when she was a year and a month old,” said Bopape.

It was difficult to see that her child had bonded with other family members, not her, the mother.

Clinical psychologist Leonard Carr said that in cases such as these, it was difficult for mothers “because the child bonds with other family members and doesn't see mom as a mother anymore”.

He said separation could cause anxiety on children, but it all depends on the age of the child when its mother leaves.

While it wasn't ideal for mothers to leave their children before the age of four or five, Carr said, “it is much more detrimental to leave a child at nine months than at six months, as smaller children haven't as yet learnt a sense of permanence”.

“When the mother leaves at that time (nine months), the child will be much more affected,” he said.

Carr said, however, that heightened separation anxiety also depended on whether the child was in a nuclear family - with mother and father - or an extended family with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

“One has to look at the whole idea of separation anxiety based on a nuclear family model. It’s very different if the child is attached to one mother and if a child is in an extended family network.

“In an extended family with grannies, the child forms multiple attachments. As long as they're secure attachments, those become the foundation of the child’s psychological well-being.

“The problem might be for the mother because the child bonds with other family members and doesn’t see mom as a mother anymore.”

In the case of Bopape, while it wasn’t easy to watch as her child ‘rejected’ her, she acknowledged and appreciated the support she got, the 30-year-old said.

“I’ve got a supportive family. At the time, I couldn’t even ask to talk to her over the phone because she was still very young (so the bond could not be established over the phone),” she said.

But when she returned after six months, she managed to establish the bond with her daughter, before leaving again early this year.

“Attachment also happens over a lifetime. Even if it's traumatic in the beginning, the bond can be restored,” said Carr.

He cautioned, however, that with “multiple separations, the child will stop trusting the mother. The child might never re-establish the trust.”

With her return to the DRC earlier this year, Bopape said it has been much easier than the first time she went as she can now Skype her sister to talk to her child, or WhatsApp call her.

However, Gloria Mzondo, a colleague who is also in the DRC, said calling home to chat to her child sometimes left her in tears as the child would simply refuse to take the phone from her granny because she would either be busy playing with friends, or occupied by something else.

“It’s really difficult because at that time, all you want is to hear your child’s voice. But I understand she is just a child,” said Mzondo.

For Thokozani Sithole, her deployment to the DRC in June was “more traumatising for my child than for me”. She had thought the move would be easy as the child lived with her mother-in-law, but it was not the case.

“She was used to mama coming back home every two weeks but now she has started asking when mama is coming home. Every time I called she would cry. But she is okay now,” said Sithole.

For women without children, among them 23-year-old Lulama Gavu, life in the DRC is bearable.

Since they have free wi-fi, Gavu Skypes her family, and uses WhatsApp call or chat with family members daily.

“I think it’s very challenging for these parents, said Carr. “I had two cases where parents had to go away suddenly - the other because the child got ill and the hospital couldn't accommodate the mother. The children became elective mutes; they voluntarily stopped speaking.”

It is not only the women who’ll be separated from their loved ones this December.

Corporal Thabiso Diphoko from the SANDF’s Infantry School said that to keep themselves sane, the men played soccer against DRC troops and community members. He won’t be home for Christmas and to celebrate the new year. “We might be having a braai on the 31st (of December).

“It won’t be the same as home though,” he said.

 

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The Star

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