Men, don’t bottle it up - speak out

Nkululeko Khanyi is motivational speaker. 070715 Picture: Boxer Ngwenya

Nkululeko Khanyi is motivational speaker. 070715 Picture: Boxer Ngwenya

Published Jul 31, 2015

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Johannesburg - A man who attempted suicide twice has urged other men to stop bottling up their problems and instead start speaking out - lest they end up killing themselves and their families.

As the country celebrates Men’s Month, Nkululeko Khanyi decided to share his story in a bid to help other men who might be going through the same experience.

“Suicide isn’t the answer or an option. I was going through everything alone instead of talking about my problems. I could have spoken to my family. They wouldn’t have helped me financially but they could’ve given me hope to live,” he said.

Khanyi’s problems started a few years ago when he resigned from his nursing job to start a business.

He registered the business, but before it could take off, someone convinced him to put his pension money into a pyramid scheme, saying he would get a lot more money back, which would help him in his new venture.

Khanyi put R100 000 from his own pocket into the scheme, R80 000 from his aunt and R40 000 from his cousin.

However, the investor disappeared with the money, leaving Khanyi to face the wrath of his aunt and cousin, who wanted their money along with the 100 percent interest they had been promised.

Their relationship soured. Khanyi went back to nursing and took out loans to pay off his aunt and cousin.

“I had to work overtime all the time to pay off the loans. I worked at hospitals all over Joburg. I was depressed and not coping. I would get paid on the 28th and would be broke by the 29th.”

Despite all that, Khanyi never told a soul about what he was going through. His car and townhouse were repossessed and he had to ask his friends to let him sleep at their homes.

The friends never asked him what was going on, and he never volunteered any information.

While he was going through the rough patch and battling to get back on his feet, Khanyi was dealt yet another blow - his parents died. His policies had lapsed and he was unable to help financially with their burial.

“I never cried throughout because our culture says a man doesn’t cry. I had to instead be strong and support my sisters.”

A few months later, Khanyi’s brother also died.

Overwhelmed by his financial situation and the loss of his parents, the death of his brother sent Khanyi over the edge.

He took an overdose of pills, was rushed to hospital and discharged a few days later.

But his depression re-mained and he couldn’t see a way out of the dark tunnel.

He decided to end it once and for all.

At the time, Khanyi was sharing the outside room of a Soweto property with a friend.

One night, while his friend was asleep, he took a rope, and hung it from the rafters and then around his neck.

As he kicked the chair from under him, it made a noise and woke up his friend. When he saw Khanyi hanging, he screamed and ran to the main house for help. The rope was cut and an ambulance and the police were called.

Khanyi was taken to hospital and then to a psychiatric ward.

He underwent counselling with other depressed people.

“After opening up, I felt like my problems were small and I could still make it.”

Today, Khanyi is a counsellor and an ambassador for the South African Depression and Anxiety Group.

Like Khanyi, Thomas Khumalo kept his problems bottled up. He silently took the emotional and physical abuse from his wife for years. Eventually, it became too much and he attempted suicide - twice.

When he finally got the counselling he needed, he was able to open up about the abuse that was taking place at home.

He left his wife and started a organisation for men called Akasosha Men’s Forum in Soshanguve, near Pretoria.

Its motto is “Men break their silence”.

Khumalo believes that the reason men don’t say anything stems from the adage “Tigers don’t cry”, hence some men end up trying to solve their problems through abusive behaviour or death.

“We want to break the culture of silence because it is dangerous. If someone breaks their silence, you can be able to assist them. If they are silent, you don’t know what they are thinking,” he said.

Where to go for help:

South African Depression and Anxiety Group (Sadag)

011 234 4837

Sadag suicide emergencies

0800 567 567

South African Federation for Mental Health

011 781 1852

Akasosha Men’s Forum

Thomas Khumalo072 755 9078

Nkululeko Khanyi082 047 6444

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