IOL has started a content partnership with satiricial website Hayibo.com and will be bringing you one of their articles every week. Over to Hayibo…
The Cop Idle judges who watched Gareth Cliff’s performance on Tuesday night say the 5FM DJ lacked originality and was in denial about his lack of driving talent.
“There’s only so many people we can allow through to the next round of judging and ultimately into the holding cells,” explained one. “Sorry.”
Cliff, who shot to fame after winning the 2005 Miss Righteous Indignation beauty pageant, was arrested on Tuesday night after driving at 182km/h in his Range Rover, two kilometres an hour faster than the Gauteng speed limit for rich people in grossly oversized cars bought in an attempt to fill the aching hole in their lives where joy should be.
According to Cop Idle judge, Captain Luminol Poggenpoel, she had expected “great things” from Cliff when he walked into the judges’ room and stood nervously on the blue oval on the floor.
“I love him on the radio, how he gives you your opinions and that,” she said. “But sjoe, when he opened his mouth, it was such a disappointment.”
She said that Cliff had “totally failed to bring anything new” to the reckless driving charge and had relied on “a tired rendition of a well-worn standard”.
Fellow judge, Warrant Officer Sipho “Snotklap” Simenya, said he too had had his hopes dashed.
“These clean-cut white boys sometimes surprise you,” he said. “I took one look at him and thought, ‘Hayibo! This one has just clocked 280 with a hot tik-lolly in one hand and a Ukrainian stripper on the other.’ But it was just 182km/h in a depressingly safety-conscious quasi-agricultural vehicle.”
This morning Cliff said he was “so over” the performance, adding that the judges “didn’t know what they were talking about”.
“It was so, like, humiliating,” he said. “They gave me a big sticker with my number on it, and I had to stick it on my new Country Road short that my spaniel gave me for my birthday, and it left a nasty sticky patch.”
He said that Poggenpoel had been “way harsh”.
“She said I went way too fast, and that it had been a very bad choice of route and speed. She’s just a hater, yo.”
Asked what his future plans were, Cliff said that he was going to follow his dreams, “no matter what anyone says”.
“I know I can drive faster than 182, I know I can!” he said.