President Jacob Zuma had a telephonic conversation with United States of America President Donald Trump on Monday, but few details have emerged.
Although many observers have lamented the need for an actual conversation when a Whatsapp message between the two would have sufficed, according to Adrian Ephraim, the two leaders had surprisingly much to talk about.
Donald Trump:
Hello Jacob. It that you? It’s Donald Trump. Trump, yes. Donald. The President of the United States – the greatest country in the world. And I’m president of it. We’re going to be great again.
Jacob Zuma:
Hello Mr President, sir. Donald. *Hehe*
DT:
Are you busy?
JZ:
No. I’m just sitting. Never too busy for you.
DT:
Are you working?
JZ:
Yes, I’m sitting.
DT:
Working?
JZ:
Just sitting. I’m a sitting president.
DT:
Ok then. You wanna talk?
JZ:
Ok.
(2 minutes later)
DT:
Jacob?
JZ:
How are you, Donald?
DT:
I’m fine. I’m great. I’m so great, you won’t believe how great I am.
JZ:
That's great!
DT:
So about South Africa. That’s near Cape Town right? I love Cape Town, Cape Town is so great. It’s amazing. I've never been but I’ve heard it’s gorgeous. So beautiful, lots of white people. Love it.
JZ:
Ja, *clears throat* Cape Town is very angry these days. I don’t know why they misbehave every time I’m here. But this time I was ready for them with my 4-4-1 formation. Mshini wami! They thought I was just singing. I showed them.
DT:
So WTF happened during that speech of yours the other night? It was scary.
JZ:
Oh, these young ones they’re so ill-disciplined. So funny. *hehe* Never mind them.
DT:
But Jacob, I saw politicians being punched to the floor. What’s going on?
JZ:
Oh, we’ve been having it – for three years now. I don’t understand why the red team is so angry all the time. So I sent in my white team to cool them down a bit. It worked. *hehehe*
DT:
Wow, I need some lessons Jacob. Who are those White Shirts? They look alt-right. I could use some of them at the borders. They’re amazing. I bet they’d give my secret service guys a fight. We should arrange that sometime. A fight.
JZ:
Ok.
(2 minutes of *awkward silence*)
JZ:
Hello.
DT:
Hello.
JZ:
How are you, Donald?
DT
: Listen Jake, we gotta talk about the chickens they need to come home to roost.
JZ:
Ah, I have the best kept chickens in the whole of South Africa. You should come to Nkandla and see for yourself they have electric fencing and everything.
DT:
No Jacob, I mean the Agoa, our trade deal. I’m not feeling it at the moment. I want to dump it.
JZ:
What? No Mr President, that’s not necessary.
DT:
Yeah, it’s done. Done. We’re gonna do it. It’s gone.
JZ:
But Donald, we haven’t even met yet. Let’s talk. How is your lovely wife?
DT:
She’s good. Not much of a talker. She’s hot though, don’t you think? I think she’s the hottest first lady we’ve ever had. And she’s mine. She’s my lady. You know what they say? Behind every great man
JZ:
I’d love to meet her.
DT:
You guys should come over some time. I’ll make it. It’s done. That would be great. Seriously, I mean it. Let’s do it. Done.
JZ:
It’s just that I have three wives.
DT:
Oh really? I’m on my third wife too.
JZ:
No, I’m on my fifth, but I have three wives at the moment.
DT:
All at once?
JZ:
Yes.
DT:
Right now, as we speak? Niiice. Do they ever fight over you?
JZ:
No, but one may or may not have tried to kill me.
DT:
Jake, you gotta bring your country to order man, I need you guys in my corner. You know I’m looking at Nigeria, and I’m thinking. Nice place. Lots of people. Busy, very busy. Lots of Nigerians. Everywhere, they’re just everywhere. I’ve never been, but I’ve heard, it’s great. I’m thinking I might choose Nigeria instead of South Africa as my favourite. I might do it.
JZ:
Favourite for what, Donald?
DT:
Just, you know, my favourite country in Africa.
JZ:
Oh *hehe* I didn’t know we were doing that.
DT:
Yeah, you know everyone wants to be America’s friend these days.
JZ:
Really?
DT:
Yeah, we’re building a wall!
JZ:
Yes *hehe* I heard. How exactly are you going to do that?
DT:
I have ways. It’s gonna be done. It’s gonna be great. So great. You won’t believe it. But I was hoping you had some advice for me. I heard you convinced people that your swimming pool was a fire pool? I want people to believe that a wall is great thing, and it’s necessary for our security. Sort of like you did.
JZ:
Oh *hehe* well first you must hire your friends. Give them jobs, so when the time comes ja, it’s done. Nca! You get what you want. *hehe* Easy.
DT:
Ok. And then what?
JZ:
You just go ahead and do it. No one will stop you. Remember, you are the president. You’re the winner wena, no one can touch you.
DT:
Ok, listen Jacob, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Do you really believe that? This is America. We don’t do that here.
JZ:
Sure you don’t.
DT:
Jake, I’m gonna be blunt here, this official conversation is not going well for you. Not at all. You’re doing terribly. Terrible!
JZ:
Mr President, why are Americans marching against you?
DT:
Listen, Jacob, I’ve got to go. I’ve got Buhari up next and we’ve a lot to talk about. I’m just not into the whole Muslim thing. I really don’t want to invade him.
JZ:
Thank you for the call, Mr President. Goodbye.
DT:
Idiot.
JZ:
Idiot.
* Adrian Ephraim is the editor of African Independent. For the best news and analysis from the continent go to www.africanindy.com