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‘Just tell us how much for booze and fags’

IOL has started a content partnership with satiricial website Hayibo.com and will be bringing you one of their articles every week. Over to Hayibo...

As journalists and analysts eagerly prepared for Pravin Gordhan’s Budget speech today, ordinary South Africans admitted that their sole interest was in discovering how much the price of tobacco and alcohol would rise.

Jannie Publiek, spokesman for the Citizens’ Rights Alliance, said, “Don’t give me your macro-economic what-what, just tell me how much for 30 Marlboros and a half-jack of Bells.”

While media outlets reported that “all eyes” were on Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan’s delivery of the Budget speech today, it has emerged that the average South African has at best a quarter of an eye on it.

“I can’t spare a full eye because unlike the economists paid to scratch their bums all day, I have to actually go to my under-paying, low-satisfaction job and make an honest living,” said Jill Median, 34. “I say ‘an honest living’, but last week alone I stole approximately R86 worth of stationery supplies, and I also took a toilet roll from the bathroom to save me stopping at Spar on the way home.”

Her views were echoed by representatives from the Citizens’ Rights Alliance, who described Budget Day as “as much of a media fabrication as Valentine’s Day and Christmas”.

“I am happy to tell you that I have literally no idea what ‘benchmark bonds’ are,” said Publiek yesterday evening. “Furthermore, I often have some difficulty remembering which one is ‘bullish’ and which one is ‘bearish’.”

A snap survey of customers queuing at the Claremont Pick ‘n Pay yesterday revealed similar sentiments.

“Obviously I don’t want to get any poorer, but I also simply cannot worry about the Eurozone debt crisis when Tannie Ragmiena next door needs someone to let her kids in at 3 today,” said Gertruda Daniels, 46. “If Pravin Gordhan could send someone round to take care of that, maybe then I’d start diarising Budget Day.”

Nombulelo Dlamini, 42, expressed similar sentiments.

“Everyone goes on about infrastructure,” she said. “I love infrastructure as much as the next person, but unless Gordhan is going to stand up and tell me he’s built a gigantic foefie-slide to take me from my front door to my workplace, forgive me for not peeing myself with excitement.”

Ahead of the Budget, analysts predicted that the deficit forecast might require revision following a sentiment indicator falling on bond yields.

Economist Moolah Moodley commented, “I can’t believe I get paid for this wank.” - Hayibo.com

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