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Cape Town - There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but only one sure way to get him back – according to one of the many herbalists around Cape Town. And it will cost you well over R1 000.
Better known for his intrepid advertising than results, “The Doctor” promises to bring back a lost lover from any part of the world within seven to 10 days.
I found the Doctor – or Professor, he’s not fussy about titles – in his city centre office, designing flyers at his computer.
He has operated from the office for nine years, but is originally from Burundi. His grandfather was a herbalist and spiritual man “of great prowess”.
The Doctor recalls being collected from the city as a child and taken to his grandfather’s house in a village, where he was shown things he didn’t always want to see. But his grandfather died before passing on all his knowledge, and the Doctor continued his training alone.
Luckily for me, the procedure to bring back a lost lover is his most straightforward. First: R50 for the consultation, and a thorough patient history. No, I am not on any other herbal remedies. No, I have no other spells upon me.
Before he can proceed with treatment, I must cleanse myself once with special soap and burn incense at midnight for three days in a row. This costs R250, and will lift any bad spells preventing my lost lover and me from being together again.
Then, the Doctor will use his powers to call my lover to me – but, wait, it won’t work without a sacrifice. Blood must be spilled. That’ll be R800 for a sheep to slaughter.
Then he will need an item of my lover’s clothing to summon him. When I explain I haven’t stashed any of his wardrobe, we revert to plan B: a photograph of us together.
The Doctor is so certain of his remedy that he is happy to be paid once my lover returns.
Now I wait for my long lost lover to ring the doorbell. I hope my boyfriend doesn’t mind.