London - Recent archaeological digs have excavated a mass of comments posted on the internet — or Ye Olde Internette, as it used to be known — concerning the great heroes and heroines of their day. Here is a recent selection from the Historical Online Archive at Kew.
Hercules
What a weakling. I saw him once in real life and he looked really scrawny. My mate John could give him a run for his money any day. Hutch69, Margate.
Frankly, I’ve slayed a Nemean Lion, battled with a Hydra, captured the Golden Hind of Artemis and the Cretan Bull, fought Geryon and cleaned the Augean Stables in a day, but I don’t go on about it. Jeff, Taunton.
Too good to be true. High time they submitted him to a random drugs test. StrongMan, Evesham.
Mahatma Gandhi
Attention-seeker. TopGuy, Manchester.
Talk about anorexic. Bernice, Staines.
Has he got nothing better to wear? Mary, Surrey.
Must get chilly, come winter. Shirley, Birmingham.
I met him once. Very down-to-earth. James, Delhi.
Lord Nelson
He has to be kidding. Sorry, but don’t tell me there’s anything wrong with that arm of his. Anyone can see the guy’s just playing injured to get out of fighting. TruthSeeka.
Why would anyone that posh want to name themselves after a pub? That’s what I want to know. Maurice, King’s Lynn.
Davy Crockett
Loving the hat! Andy, Washington.
I got one just like it from my local store. Very reasonably priced. Lovely and warm. Sheila, L.A.
If I had a hat like his, I would never wear it into battle as it might get soiled. You should keep for your most costly items for special. BigJohn, Oklahoma.
My first boyfriend was a Dave, too! Cilla, Gravesend.
Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni
She’s put on weight. Lay off the cream buns, love! Diana, Herts.
Frankly, it’s her husband Prasutagus I feel sorry for. Reg, Barnes.
Typical woman driver. Dave, Greenwich.
My friend met her once. Says she was quite chatty, and prettier in real life. LovelyLady, Petersham.
Can anyone recommend a reasonably priced chariot, preferably blue, with child seats? Mike, Lowestoft.
William Shakespeare
Liked some of his early ones but that new one, Hamlet, does nothing for me. Kris, Stratford.
I agree. Hamlet will never last. Too wordy. WonkyMan, South London.
No need for all that gratuitous sex and violence. Pam, Droitwich.
Last time I went to the theatre, the seats were too hard. My advice is to take a cushion. PleasureSeeka, York.
William is one of my favourite names, but only for a boy. Ann, Exeter.
Robin Hood
Says he robs from the rich and gives to the poor. Oh yeah! Now I’ve heard it all. The guys’s got a good accountant, end of story. JackSprat, St Ives.
It’s that Maid Marian I feel sorry for. If my boyfriend said he was spending all day and night in the forest with his so called ‘Merry Men’, I’d have a few questions to ask him. Lucinda, Godalming.
It’s the Sheriff of Nottingham I feel sorry for. The guy’s only trying to do his job and now he faces a torrent of orchestrated abuse from the politically motivated Left-wing lobby. Political correctness gone mad. Bob8, Leeds.
It’s Little John I feel sorry for, what with his weight issues. George, Liverpool.
My nan met Will Scarlet once. Told me he wasn’t dressed in scarlet at all. Says it was more of a maroon. Cliff, Berks.
Neil Armstrong
So he was the first man on the moon. Big deal. Nothing to brag about. I was the first boy in my class to get a BMX bike, but I don’t go on about it. Jeff, Taunton.
That suit he wore on the moon was a very bad fit. Change your tailor, mate! NiftyGuy, Pittsburgh.
The lengths to which some people go to get attention. Peevish, Bucks.
Been there, done that. Hiram, New Canaan.
After all the build-up, I was expecting something more exciting. Jeff, Littlehampton.
Martin Luther King
Big deal. I had a dream last night, too. There was this sort of thing, a kind of giant blancmange, and it was chasing me. But I don’t make speeches about it. Get a life, Mart! Dick, Maryland. - Daily Mail