at the Union Buildings in Pretoria
Whenever two friends are vying for the affections of the same damsel, the situation is fraught with danger. Women can do that to you. They will sway their hips and test the very foundations of that friendship – and then drop you at the sight of a better suitor.
Two mates, Faf and AB, are after the same dame. She’s just come out of a long-distance relationship with a boytjie named Biff. He gave her 11 good years, parading her all over the world, showering her with jewellery, fists full of prize money and the title of world’s best for a long period.
With Biff at her side, she transformed from her previous label of a money-grabbing harlot, who would sell her soul for a leather jacket, to being regarded as the most respected queen of the lot. She even flirted with world domination, but exotic lasses from the East ensured that she always knew her place.
But she had a good run with Biff, until he settled down, in quaint Surrey, with an Irish lass and two kids. Good luck to him.
But where does this leave our damsel? Oh, she goes by the name of Captaincy. Test Captaincy.
Miss Captaincy needs a strong man to restore her to her former glories. But it’s complicated. Biff was such a cowboy that he never allowed any man to look at her, until he suddenly, surprisingly, left her in the lurch.
Enter Faf and AB, who have both had dalliances with her younger sisters; one who likes it short and sharp, and the other likes things a little more drawn out. Both are fun, and like to wear some brightly-coloured clothing when they go out at night, but the truth is, they are not half the lady that Miss Captaincy is.
They are notches on the belt – cheeky little hors d’oeuvres before the significant entrée. Miss Captaincy requires one’s full attention, because her dates tend to last a full working week. In fact, she’s looking for a date for a short business trip to Sri Lanka soon.
She’ll need someone who can handle the change in climate, who will be able to choose excursions and entertainment accordingly. He will have to remain cool under pressure, while also allowing the other holiday-makers the space to express themselves, and show the locals a thing or two about South African culture.
The thing with AB is that he’s already got a lot on his plate. He’s already the best mover and shaker in the team – capable of dancing circles around most mortals. He’s also gone back to tending the braai between stints on the dance-floor. It’s for the good of the collective, they said.
But some would say that he should be left to prove that he’s the best dancer on the planet.
Faf, on the other hand, is more like your old-school Camel Man. Clenched jaw, standing squat on the dance-floor, daring someone to push him over. He’s already made a name for himself as a bit of a die-hard.
He once stood for six hours in the middle of a park in Adelaide, defying locals as they chucked tomatoes, pineapples, pianos and kitchen sinks at him. Zen-like, he just stared blankly ahead, until the deed was done.
These two, brothers-in-arms since jolling days at that great nursery of gentlemen, Affies, now stand toe-to-toe for Miss Captaincy’s affections.
It’s up to her parents to decide who will have her honour, who will escort her on her next treks across the world, as she searches for happiness. Her parents, the CSAs, have been known to make peculiar decisions.
Indeed, her parents are also being monitored by their father, “Mr Fiks-It”, who has a habit of putting his foot in it. Why, the other day he insisted that the dinner table needed to have more natural tones on it, because there was still far too much white linen dominating it.
Perhaps the best thing for all is if the parents – and that great paragon of administrative mediocrity – leave Faf and AB to decide this over a beer, and settle it like grown-ups.
There’s no need for them to let a woman get between two lifelong friends. - Sunday Independent