Conspiracy theories are a dime a dozen. We love a little intrigue, don’t we? The most famous one in South African rugby is probably the one of “Suzie” “poisoning” the All Blacks ahead of the 1995 World Cup final.
But over the last week, my mind has been working overtime trying to figure out this debacle surrounding Eddie Jones. The James Bond addict in me says, “John, my boy, something is rotten in the state of Denmark”.
I have my own theory surrounding the events of Jones’ not-so-sudden departure to go and coach England. So please, indulge me.
This could be one of the greatest cons in rugby history, and a sure way for the Western Province Rugby Union to make a lot of money without spending a penny, and for Jones to land a big international job. The sequence of events is just too good to be true.
Firstly, let’s start with the big announcement of Jones’ signing for the Stormers. It was made on the Monday after the former Wallaby coach had orchestrated the biggest upset in rugby history. It was the Monday after minnows Japan had humbled the not-so mighty Springboks in their opening match of the 2015 Rugby World Cup.
We still joked that it was a public relations master-class by the Stormers, that they had signed the most sought-after and most talked about coach in world rugby.
But then, a few weeks later, Jones, writing a column for one of the leading newspapers in England, penned a piece hinting at his interest in the national post following their elimination in the group stages of the World Cup. But, of course, Jones had already signed for the Stormers and, technically, was their property.
That hint didn’t go unnoticed, and there were a lot of stories suddenly linking Jones to the England job, which was vacated by Stuart Lancaster last week.
Last week, Jones was unveiled with great pomp and ceremony here at Newlands. After a 30-minute press conference, he spent up to another 90 minutes doing one-on-one interviews.
When quizzed about the England job, he said: “Never believe the papers mate, never believe them. When I woke to the morning, I looked up at table top mountain (sic). I’m here.”
Yeah, you would think that a guy who wants to live in the Mother City would actually know what the name of our famous mountain is.
That should have already been a clue about the “plan”, but Jones’ charm floored the local hacks like a Holly Holm roundhouse kick to the neck.
Then someone had put a massive sum of money on Jones to get the bookies to react (we actually have to check who at the WP Rugby Union will be driving fresh new wheels this Christmas).
WP denied that he is leaving, but our spies spotted Jones leaving for the UK on Wednesday night. We can confirm that he had sushi and champagne on the flight, instead of the normal beef or chicken. Something a person being paid in pounds would have on a flight.
He also bought some biltong for a snack, because he probably won’t be allowed to buy any in South Africa for a very long time.
The Stormers are now set to make a few million after Jones’ departure. Some say around R15 million, while others say about R2m. However, our man on the ground says in the region of R7.5m.
John Mitchell, who was one of the first candidates for the Stormers job, is now set to take over as coach. So that the Cape franchise can say “we actually got the man we wanted in the first place”, while paying him a lot less money than R5m a year.
So in the end, it’s a win-win for everybody concerned. The Stormers got their money, Jones will almost have as much power as Queen Elizabeth over the next few years, and Mitchell is back in the big–time.
So, conspiracy theorists, what do you think? Wasn’t this just the perfect caper?
Well... maybe not. Maybe my imagination is just running wild in the off-season.
But one thing is for sure, there is never a dull moment in the world of sport, especially in South African rugby. - Cape Argus