Covering up your er... dirty tracks

You would imagine with major developments in technology and the frequent arrival of new applications, that it would be easier for guys to cheat on their partners and not get caught.

However, the opposite is true. All the developments we’ve seen in recent times, particularly within the sphere of social networking, has resulted in creating more ways for guys to get caught cheating. As a guy I must admit that the majority of us don’t multi-task well, and with SMS, BBM, Whatsapp and Facebook those among us with straying appendages have a lot of work to do when it comes to covering our tracks.

In fact, some dogs out there are even saying that, in time to come, it might be easier and less stressful to just throw in the towel, stop chasing tail and be faithful. It’s shocking, but true. Guys are generally careless, we leave too many loose ends and it’s the little details that end up burying us in the end.

You can be as careful as you want, have passwords on all of your cellphones, voice recognition software, take your devices with you to the loo when you have a number two, but it will be that one time you forget to log off from Facebook at your woman’s place that gets you burnt.

But all hope is not lost for those wanting to get some on the side. This week I read about a new cellphone app that sounded too good to be true. A company has come up with something that allows you to hide your incriminating SMSes and other bits of naughty information without having to physically delete the stuff – so essentially what happens is the app puts your phone into a kind of “stealth” mode. The most useful part of this app, apparently, is that if someone, such as a girlfriend or wife, walks in on you checking incriminating SMSes, all you have to do is shake the phone in your hand and the messages will disappear!

I know there’s a lot of guys who will find it pretty useful, especially when you’re caught in a situation where your woman barges in and you have no time to close or delete messages. I have no doubts that this app will be a huge hit and sales have been through the roof, but the surprising part is that the majority of buyers have been female.

I’ve long questioned those studies that say men cheat more than women because I think the reality is more the case of men getting caught out than women. Women tend to be more organised, pay more attention to detail and, most importantly, can keep their mouths shut.

I personally have never heard of a woman caught cheating in the dumb ways guys get caught, such as on Facebook, for instance. Women are so good at cheating that for a woman to get caught she would have to have real bad luck, get caught at the ass end of coincidence, or the universe would have to be directly conspiring against her.

Women don’t really need the magic cellphone cheating app because female cheaters are good enough already. Guys, on the other hand, need all the help they can get. Here are some ideas for anti- getting-caught-cheating techno tools guys would like to see developed.

The Jedi Mind Trick cellphone app: Every guy who ever watched a Star Wars movie secretly wished he could use Jedi mind tricks on his partner. The appeal of it is that you could get away with just about anything. The way I see the Jedi Mind Trick cellphone app working is the app makes your cellphone send a signal to her brain which causes her to agree with everything you say.

Picture this scenario: Woman walks in on boyfriend with another woman:

Woman: You dog! You’re cheating on me!

Boyfriend activates Jedi Mind Trick app

Boyfriend: Maybe I’m not cheating on you.

Woman: Maybe you’re not cheating on me.

The Neutraliser: Made famous in the Men in Black movies, every guy wants one of these. There is no problem this memory-erasing device can’t solve. Think about it: you leave your Facebook page open, she goes ballistic when she reads the messages, you “flash” her with the neutraliser, she remembers nothing. Whoever can make this into a cellphone app will be an instant billionaire.

Cellphone stealth camo: For all the gizmos and gadgets companies have built into cellphones over the last 10 years I can’t figure out why no one has developed the “stealth” cellphone. Picture this: you want to leave your cellphone lying around without the risk of your partner picking it up. So, you activate the “stealth camouflage” app which renders your phone invisible.

The De-criminating encryption app: Imagine an app, when activated, changes all your incriminating SMSes and Facebook messages into innocent conversations.

I’d pay for that!