Oh my god you guys I’m having a meltdown. So you know how last year I was all Child of the Wind, and climbing up mountains and jumping off mountains and fake-marvelling at leaves, not showering for days, walking around barefoot and having epiphanies, dancing on bars?
And you know how that is so 2012 and this year I’m all “academia is my life”? And you know how when I say “academia” I actually mean “finding a husband”?
And you know how, in order to legitimise my single circumstances and to convince everyone I’m not sitting at home on a Friday night eating ice cream and cuddling up to my life size Prince Harry pillow, I tell everyone I don’t want to get married because marriage is for boring people who have houses and dogs and children and no wine?
So I was totally fine with my little charade, and then the Golden Globes happened, and then I realised that apparently “white” is a thing now. And you know what white dresses do to me?
I’m a mess. All of a sudden I’m thinking that my “meet and marry Harry” plan is not going according to schedule, and why is he not replying to my letters, and why am I not with child yet? Also, my foray into internet dating was a disaster. So I’m having horrifying nightmares of dying alone with cats.
Let’s leave my meltdown to the side for a little while: Awards Season is upon us. It’s like Christmas, except instead of presents, you get to judge beautiful people. Which is the gift that keeps on giving.
TAMSYN’S ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBES FASHION ROUND-UP
As is tradition, I’m allowed one gripe. This year it is against fishtails. If I see one more %*($&%^ fishtail gown, I feel like I may boycott actual fish forever.
On that happy note, let’s begin.
BEST DRESSED/And the nominees are:/1Anne Hathaway in Chanel
I LOATHE the fact that she is on this list. I cannot abide her. She is my worst. She’s so perky. And happy.
While she redeemed herself slightly by wearing a bandage on her head to her wedding (which I assume she did sarcastically and which I therefore applaud as hilarious) she just undid all of that by saying in her acceptance speech “Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self-doubt.”
Anyway, her pixie cut is the best. She should never grow it out.
This dress is so plain and unaccessorised, but I hate to say that it works on all levels. It is so flattering and sparkly and effortlessly elegant and I love it. She looks like she is never ending. Like an icicle. All elegant and tall and beautiful.
2. Kate Hudson in Alexander McQueen
Sigh, she is so pretty. I seriously just want her face. Why can I not have her face?
Anyway, so the dress. It’s edgy and interesting and sexy. That collar is so bad ass.
And I love that she is cool and confident enough to recognise that it’s winter and wear something wintry on the red carpet. And she knows she’s working it. Bravo, KHud.
3 Tina Fey in her on-stage look (unknown designer)
I adore Tina Fey.
I think she is so fun, beautiful, smart and down-to-earth.
This is probably the best she’s ever looked. She needs to give her stylist a huge raise, because she really has managed to put her crazy days behind her and now consistently looks put together and chic.
It is an example of understated elegance. Great hair. Great colour. Perfect fit.
4. Lucy Liu in Carolina Herrera
I am fully aware this is probably my most controversial choice ever. Let me paint a picture for you though. One day in the future, I intend to have a salon in my house. I will invite KMid round for bloody marys and we will lounge in my salon and gossip about Pippa’s ridiculous book. We will laugh and flip our super shiny hair and it will be fabulous.
Now: this dress is the exact wallpaper I will have in my salon. Ordinarily, I would shy away from a dress looking like the wall of my salon. But why can’t I have my salon wallpaper as a dress? My salon wallpaper is fabulous. I am drawn to this. It’s dramatic and ridiculous, but it makes me happy. I don’t care what you say. I love it.
5. Michelle Dockery in Alexandre Vauthier
The dress is fantastic. I genuinely love it. Love the silhouette. Love the white and gold. She looks like an antique porcelain teapot. The whole thing is super sophisticated and sleek, but still really modern.
6. Nicole Kidman in Alexander McQueen
Say what you want about her puffy face, no one does a sheath like Kidman. Sometimes she gets it wrong, but this was luckily not one of those times.
I love the deconstructed corset sheer panelling – this sheer trend is great when used subtly, not when it is used as a free pass to leave the house naked. I also like the detailing at the neck. The proportions are all spot on.
7. Heidi Klum in Alexandre Vauthier
I have a love-hate relationship with The Klum. Remember that atrocious pumice stone-esque thing that she wore to last year’s Globes? And then at the Emmys she went one slit too far and managed to turn the red carpet into a one-night showing of her HooHaa.
But sometimes she manages to pull her crazy together and look like a supermodel should. This is one of those times.
Stunning. Gold and white. It’s my new obsession.
This is quite plain, but the sharp cut on the one-shoulder, the train and her perfect hair make it all look super glam.
And the nominees are:
1. Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein
First, of all the ways I want my bosom to be described, “billowy” is not one of them. Because “billowy” is edging close to “saggy”. The girls look like they are dangling at her waist. And I’m sure that’s not actually the case. Second, that hair is doing nothing for her face.
Third, while I really love the colour, the pale blue with her skintone needs much stronger makeup.
2. Giuliana Rancic in Celia Kritharioti. I actually really like Giuliana Rancic. Giuliana & Bill is my guilty pleasure in life.
Be that as it may. This dress looks like that picture of disgusting lungs that they put on the side of cigarette packets to make you quit smoking.
3. Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad. Holy sweet mother of all things good in this world: this is terrible. She actually looks like a petri dish that someone is growing penicillin mould in.
4. Amy Adams in Marchesa
Seriously. If I take off my glasses, she looks like a naked lady standing in a sack. Looking naked in public is not a legitimate life choice. Make better life choices, Amy.
5. Morena Baccarin in Valentino. Valentino so often hurts my feelings. This is not even ugly, though. It’s hilarious. She must have got drunk before the free Globes bar. And then in her drunken state she ran through a puddle of malaria-water, which stained the bottom.
6. Sienna Miller in Erdem
Okay, so walking home from lunch on Sunday, it was revealed to me by my friend Sarah that she once spotted Sienna Miller in some or other shop in London.
So basically I know Sienna Miller now: I know Sarah. And Sarah once bathed in the light of Sienna Miller’s presence. I’m like two-degrees-of-separation from her. That is equivalent to knowing her. So as her newest girlfriend, I’m so sad that she didn’t just pick up the phone and ask my opinion on this before she headed out the house.
I’ll be waiting at the phone for next time, Si.
7. Halle Berry in Versace
This is ugly and confusing and I don’t know what’s going on. It looks horrifically cheap.
Julianne Hough in Monique Lhuillier
Dear Julianne Hough. You are there as the date of one of the hosts of millions of networks covering this thing. Now is not the time to have your Haute Couture Ice Princess Bride moment.
THE “I THINK I SHOULD LIKE THIS BUT I DON’T” AWARD
Lena Dunham in Zac Posen
I’ve awarded Lena Dunham the award, because… I think I should like this… but… I don’t.
But I am struggling to articulate why I don’t like it. I think it might be the proportions?
Lena Dunham has a tiny head.
I think she needs something with less material? Less ballgowny.
There you have it.
Oscars are in our sights people! We shall reconvene then.