With your fourth sip of tea – a Danish

Not long ago I mentioned Jewish humour in this column. Some readers might remember I told the apparently true story about candidates at a police college who were asked in a written test what they would do if they had to arrest their own mother.

A fascinating question.

Ben Cohen wrote: “Call for back-up”.

It triggered some marvellous correspondence including from a reader some amusingly hybridised humour – a mix of the live-and-let-live philosophy of the Zen Buddhists and the wry, hard-learnt philosophy of the Jews.

He calls it Zen-Judaism and it goes like this …

l If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

l Be here now.

Be somewhere else later.

Is that so complicated?

l Drink tea and nourish life.

With the first sip – joy.

With the second – satisfaction.

With the third, peace.

With the fourth, a Danish.

l Wherever you go, there you are.

Your luggage is another story.

l Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

l The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

l Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

l Let your mind be as a floating cloud.

Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.

And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

l Be patient and achieve all things.

Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

l To Find the Buddha, look within.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.

Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.

Each blossom has ten thousand petals.

You might want to see a specialist.

l The Torah says, “Love thy neighbour as thyself.”

The Buddha says there is no “self”.

So, maybe you are off the hook.

THE PINK BULLS

I wonder how the former Blue Bulls, now simply called the Bulls, feel about their pink togs? Personally I think they’re sweet and players should wear pink boots with white pompoms to match.

One of Stoep Talk’s most reliable sources of intelligence, Tony Harris, says the current rugby scene has resulted in some changes to television programmes: All Stormers games will be broadcast on Supersport Channel as it is the “Channel of Champions”.

Sharks will be on Discovery Channel

Cheetahs on History Channel

Lions on Comedy Central

Blue Bulls on Fashion Channel.

MEN ONLY

A number of male readers sent me the following. Women won’t find it at all funny…. Wife speaking to husband on the cellphone: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I said, “Baby it’ll be yours one day”?

Wife (smile creeping across her face): Yes, I remember that, my love.

Husband: Well I’m in the pub next to that shop.

LETTER TO THE STOEP

Esteemed Sir,

I am writing this from Bethlehem in the Free State where, like all Highveld homes, our houses are designed for a temperate climate because dumb architects have yet to discover a design suited for the Highveld winter.

It is minus four outside and about the same inside. The warmest place in the house is inside the fridge – seriously, my husband has just proved it to me.

We have under-floor heating but can’t afford to switch it on. Gas heaters aren’t much better. It now costs R1 100 to refill a 48kg cylinder.

May I suggest a national day of prayer for the acceleration of global warming?

Aletta – Bethlehem.