Reality bites for culture gone pop

Much can happen in four months…

While I was off playing new mommy, a couple held for 20 months by Somali pirates were finally afforded their freedom;

The world’s longest-reigning monarch rocked out, granny-style, in celebration of her diamond jubilee;

(Yet another) police commis-sioner fell from grace, while the dude who started the whole domino effect dodged jail because of health issues – which, amazingly, he developed only after he was found guilty;

South Africans were introduced to the world’s “premiere match-making site for aspiring adulterers”;

The ghost of HF Verwoerd miraculously rose up to make a mockery of our already dire public education system (that’s right, folks, according to our prez, it’s ol’ Hendrik’s apartheid schemes that are responsible for caches of textbooks being left to collect dust in random warehouses);

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, said “I do” (proving that even geeky guys can find true love if they secure the right bank balance - er, woman);

One of our home-grown boytjies beat water baby Michael Phelps (now ranked as the greatest Olympian of all time) for the top spot, and thanks to the efforts of a 15-year-old lass, Ruta Meilutyte, Lithuania not only won its first Olympic medal in the sport of swimming, but the country’s first gold medal!

Still, ’tis all small fry when compared to the sensational stories that have bubbled up in the realm of entertainment in recent weeks.

For one thing, Mariah Carey is set to replace Jennifer “fondness for fame-seeking back-up dancers” Lopez as the key judge on American Idol (anyone else feel it’s time to lay this tired, hackneyed franchise to bed?), while Eminem has just been afforded the honour of having the most Facebook fans (60 million) in all Celebville, for another.

But it’s Katie Holmes’ decision to file for divorce from Tom Cruise that truly had gossip tongues wagging (can we reaaaally say “quelle surprise”? That relationship was doomed from the moment the Scientology-crazed midget man went bunny-hopping on Oprah Winfrey’s couch!).

Meanwhile, Twilight minions the world over are in a blood-sucking state, after it emerged that Bella (aka Kristen Stewart, moms and dads) was caught playing tonsil hockey with a being other than Edward (Robert Pattinson).

So distraught are the Twi-hards, some have even taken to YouTube to provide running (not to mention sobbing and blustering) com-mentary as to the level of their abject distress, and why the world should just leave the vampire-crossed lovers alone.

Yes, folks, while a virtual civil war rages on in places like Syria and rhinos face extinction because of human greed and stupidity, it’s the sexual shenanigans of some obscure teen idols that’s capturing the world’s imagination.

Little wonder, then, that the likes of vapid reality television stars such as them old favourites, the Kardashians, are at the forefront of what our society now considers “culture”…