The new ministers for the Nando’s Mass Hysteria Comedy Cabinet held a press conference last week to introduce themselves to the people.
This included Chester Missing as the Minister of Non-Human Settlements, Joey Rasdien as the Minister of Haircare, Skincare and Aponea and Tumi Morake as the Minister of Hormones, Carbohydrates and Calmettes.
The press conference was chaired by John Vlismas, the Public Attacker. Each minister took a turn to explain their portfolio.
Minister of Mental Health, Sunday Lunch and Personal Hygiene, Nik Rabinowitz, was introduced first as his blue-light brigade was waiting downstairs to whisk him away to an important flight.
“I am planning to ban coffee as it leads to anxiety and bathroom shootings,” he announced. “I would like to say to Oscar, ‘put down the espresso and the gun’.”
Minister Rasdien also had another urgent meeting. However he took his time over his nonsensical speech which left the media present confused. “This is the portfolio of the future,” he said. “We will be focusing on skinheads who can’t breathe as skin, hair and breathing are very important.
Alan Committee is the new Minister of Headucation and Literasy. “Please don’t change the S in Literacy. It must be spelt with an S and not a C,” he emphasised.
“I want to carry on from my predecessor and make education even lower. Corporal punishment has been banned, which is a good thing, but I am calling for an introduction of capital punishment in schools.”
Minister of Culture, Ndumiso Lindi, gave a spirited speech, but cautioned that the country had come too far. “Now black people can swim and allow dogs to run around their houses.”
In-between introducing the ministers, Public Attacker Vlismas warned that “while political correctness is a lovely idea, just like communism and religion, it’s a f***up in reality.”
In a respectful move, the Minister of Single Fathers and Roads, Mpho Popps, asked for a moment’s silence for Cope. He then went on to congratulate the ANC while wishing the DA better luck next time.
One of the major ways of communications during the recent elections was via text messaging, but Chester Missing, Minister of Non-Human Settlements alerted the media to the fact that “Azapo sent ‘please call mes’ and the EFF delivered them personally by hand.”
He then went on a rant and listed everything that he hates.
Missing was the last to speak and took a stab at the ANC: “All non-humans need a suitcase to live in. We call them suitcases and the ANC calls them RDP houses.”
The press conference was the launch of the country’s cheekiest comedy event in this election year. It is also the third year running that Mass Hysteria has taken place. Each year the theme changes.
• Booking is now open for the shows. They take place from August 6 – 9 at the Teatro, Montecasino. They are at Port Elizabeth’s Boardwalk International Convention Centre for one night only on August 16. After that, South Africa’s top comedians take a break before returning to the stage at Artscape Theatre in Cape Town on September 12 and 13. Tickets are available at Computicket.