ON FRIDAY, couples will be sneaking into the local cinema, trying to pretend they are going to see Spongebob Squarepants. And single women will be wearing burkas, or at least dark glasses, as they purchase a ticket.
Because the film version of sadomasochism novel Fifty Shades Of Grey hits (ooh!) our big (eerr!) screens on Valentine’s weekend... although if its male lead produced a red rose, he’d probably flay you with it.
No critic has been allowed to see it, but who cares? We are not going for the dialogue or Dakota Johnson’s acting skills. We will all be going for the naughty bits, of which we have been promised plenty.
And if you have been too shy to read the trilogy, fear not! Here is the ultimate blusher’s guide to what must surely be the literary (and I use that word loosely) and filmic event of the century.
I’ve also given each fact a “blush rating”, so you can either avoid - or skip straight to - the steamier bits.
1. E.L. James (real name Erika Leonard) wrote the book about a billionaire dominant, Christian Grey, and his seduction of ingenue Anastasia, on a Twilight fan site, under the pen name Snowqueen’s Icedragon. Thanks to academics at Anglia Ruskin University, we now know that the vampire is a metaphor for STDs, addiction, homo eroticism and racism.
BLUSH RATING: 1
2. Sir Salman Rushdie said: “I’ve never read anything so badly written that got published. It made Twilight look like War And Peace.“ American novelist William Giraldi called the books, “Eighth-grade gurglings”. Note: both naysayers are men.
BLUSH RATING: 2
3. The Fifty Shades Of Grey book has been translated into more than 50 languages and sold 100 million copies - more than any of the Harry Potter books except the first. The blush rating is the maximum three as we should all be ashamed of ourselves.
BLUSH RATING: 3
4. Fifty Shades was the first book to sell more than a million copies on the Amazon Kindle, mainly due to the fact it spared our blushes on the train.
BLUSH RATING: 2
5. The Red Room Of Pain where Christian acts out his fantasies contains an oxblood leather padded bench, a wooden polished rack with canes, chains and whips. I wonder, does the cleaner Hoover in here?
BLUSH RATING: 3
6. The Red Room also contains a “butt drawer” and the book’s one funny exchange. Christian shows Ana the nipple clamps. “That’s for both,” he says. “Both nipples?” “No, for both pleasure and pain.”
BLUSH RATING: 3
7. Ana is a virgin before she meets Grey, and naive. Of Grey, she says: “He’s a patronising son of a b***h sometimes.”
BLUSH RATING: 1
8. Ana works in a hardware store part time. She is puzzled when Christian comes into the shop and purchases plastic cable ties.
BLUSH RATING: 3
9. Christian buys Ana a MacBook Pro laptop so she can research BDSM (bondage, discipline and sadomasochism) and so he can always reach her by email. He also buys her Manolo Blahnik heels, Cartier earrings, Gucci suits and Agent Provocateur undies. The last brand is a big mistake: should have been La Perla.
BLUSH RATING: 1
10. Normal non-BDSM sex (my fave bit of this whole hoo-hah around the film was when a red-faced Emily Maitlis spelled out what BDSM stood for on Newsnight) is called Vanilla.
BLUSH RATING: 2
11. Spem in Alium, a 40-part motet by Thomas Tallis, plays in the background while Ana is blindfolded and flogged. Not known for her love of Renaissance polyphony, E.L. James probably misread the first word in the title!
BLUSH RATING: 1
12. Ana calls her genitals her “sex”. Cringe-making.
BLUSH RATING: 1
13. There are 21 clauses in the “submissive” contract that Grey wants Ana to sign. He demands for example that Ana never look Christian in the eye. Not legally binding, of course.
BLUSH RATING: 1
14. Christian’s first gift to Ana is a three-volume first edition of Tess Of The D’Urbervilles, whose heroine falls from grace and is sorely punished.
BLUSH RATING: 1
15. The words “jet ski” are mentioned 29 times in the trilogy.
BLUSH RATING: 1
16. Ana must always be waxed or shaved down “there”. This isn’t kinky, this is normal! It’s not 1972, the year Last Tango In Paris was released (and immediately condemned by the Pope).
BLUSH RATING: 2
17. She must sleep eight hours a night. What man ever demands that of a woman? Most of them want us up early - after a restless night listening to them snoring - warming croissants and unloading the dishwasher!
BLUSH RATING: 1
18. She needs to eat a balanced diet to keep up her strength. One meal consists of “three oysters, four bites of cod, one asparagus stalk, no nuts, no olives, and you’ve not eaten all day. You said I could trust you.” I object to him making her eat and find it unrealistic. Most men moan about our stress-fat tummies and grab our wobbly bits laughing.
BLUSH RATING: 1
19. Christian’s middle name is Trevelyan. Who knew E.L. James could spell such a long word?
BLUSH RATING: 1
20. Ana, while in the Red Room, must call Christian “Sir”. Actually I don’t mind this. Men don’t need names. I call my boyfriend “Hey, you. Whatsisname?“
BLUSH RATING: 1
21. Ana has a very annoying “Inner Goddess“ who keeps interrupting proceedings, viz: “She sways in a gentle, victorious samba.“ And, “My goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.“ She obviously has been watching too much ‘Strictly’.
BLUSH RATING: 1
22. Christian has cigarette burns on his chest, but Ana mistakes the marks for childhood chicken pox scars.
BLUSH RATING: 2
23. She must wear an appropriate wardrobe when with Christian: a fitted grey pencil skirt, pale grey silk shirt, high heeled black pumps. Grey by name, grey by nature!
BLUSH RATING: 1
24. There are “soft“ limits to their sexual play. This means they are agreed, but a safe word or hand signal means stop when the going gets a bit heavy.
BLUSH RATING: 1
25. Ana does say no to some of Christian’s demands, but I really can’t explain that in a family paper.
BLUSH RATING: 3
26. E.L. James has never been to Seattle or Portland, where the book is set. She used Google Street View to visualise the setting, all glass, steel and leather.
BLUSH RATING: 1
27. Christian lost his virginity aged 15 to Elena, a friend of his mother’s, known in the book as Mrs Robinson. She introduced him to his lifestyle.
BLUSH RATING: 1
28. Ana frequently reminds herself, “I must not nuzzle. I must not nuzzle.“ What is she? A spaniel?
BLUSH RATING: 1
29. Ana has “hard’ limits, such as no acts involving fire, urination or defecation. The only one I could find that was off limits for Grey was any touching of his body. Doesn’t seem fair, really.
BLUSH RATING: 2
30. E.L. James is believed to have earned £50 million in the year 2012-2013 from books and merchandising. Fifty Shades Of Grey wine is on sale, chosen by the author. The red is called Red Satin and the white is called White Silk.
BLUSH RATING: 1
31. E.L. James teamed up with Blue Bella to create a Fifty Shades-inspired lingerie range. A Black Label thong is £19, a tie cuff £12. But there are ruder things in Marks.
BLUSH RATING: 1
32. Strange, then, that when Ana meets Grey’s parents for lunch, she wears no knickers, and Christian is often “commando“ beneath his torn jeans. Ooh, er.
BLUSH RATING: 1
33. Universal reportedly paid $5 million for the movie rights
BLUSH RATING: 1
34. The trailer has been viewed more than 50 million times.
BLUSH RATING: 2
35. Jamie Dornan, cast as Christian Grey, used to be an underwear model for the likes of Calvin Klein, Armani and Dior. He certainly has pecs appeal.
BLUSH RATING: 2
36. Actress Dakota Johnson, daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, plays Ana. Melanie Griffith’s most famous line, in Working Girl, was “I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?“ Dakota was named the least famous woman ever to grace the cover of American Vogue, which calls her “this decade’s Vivien Leigh“.
BLUSH RATING: 1
37. Jennifer Ehle, best know as Lizzie Bennet from the 1995 BBC ‘Pride & Prejudice’ adaptation, stars as Ana’s mother, Carla. Jane Austen will be twirling in her grave.
BLUSH RATING: 1
38. Pop star and The Voice judge Rita Ora plays Christian’s dowdy adopted sister, Mia. In reality she has been quoted as saying, “I always use a little whip.“ Is this what I pay my licence fee for?
BLUSH RATING: 1
39. E.L. James was very hands-on during the movie, from casting to filming. She threatened to walk away if the dialogue was rewritten in any way.
BLUSH RATING: 1
40. There have been no previews, but we can safely say, “That’s right, baby. Oh, Ana, oh baby, will I ever get enough of you?“ will be mouthed as written.
BLUSH RATING: 1
41.Domestic violence campaigners threatened to boycott the film. A social media campaign called #50dollarsnot50shades argues the $50 cost of a ticket and snacks would be better used supporting women’s charities.
42. Audi is the only agreed product placement in the movie. An Audi SUV, Audi R8 Spyder and an Audi A3 feature, all requiring a fully functional demister.
BLUSH RATING: 1
43. Director Sam Taylor-Johnson, has seen her film 1 000 times, and was quoted as saying, “To be feminist doesn’t mean you can’t be submissive. It doesn’t mean you always have to be on top.“
BLUSH RATING: 1
44. The film is ‘R’ rated in the States. Taylor-Johnson - a Turner-nominated artist - told The Guardian: “I think it means restricted. You can’t show full frontal... a certain amount of thrusts... You know, I should look this up.“
BLUSH RATING: 1
45. A scene featuring the removal of a tampon was deemed too unpleasant to film. Maybe the PC brigade should ban those “sensitive bladder“ adverts, too.
BLUSH RATING: 1
46. There were jellyfish in the original cut, as Sam (I’m sorry, I can’t keep typing all her names; how unfeminist to change her name every time she gets married!) thought them sexy, but had to take them out. “I wasn’t happy to let them go. I could see they weren’t going to work for a wide audience.“
BLUSH RATING: 3
47. An Australian firm has launched the Fifty Shades Of Grey Party Game. Does it have a character called Miss Scarlett?
BLUSH RATING: 1
48. Beyonce remixed Crazy In Love for the film. Shame she didn’t also do (Single Ladies) Put A Ring On It. And get a pre-nup.
BLUSH RATING: 1
49. The worst line in all three books? “His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something.“ Or, “For a fraction of a second, he looks lost somehow and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis.“ Or, oh God, there are just so many.
BLUSH RATING: 1
50. A hotel in the Lake District, the Damson Dene, replaced Bibles with a copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey in all rooms. So, sex is the new religion.
BLUSH RATING: 3
Daily Mail