No breaking news, just broken lives

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Copy of to Lara de Matos NEW

Celebville must be growing weary of its own sordid spotlight-seeking personalities and the tired old tales that accompany their feeble lives. That, or those responsible for keeping the rumour mill running have officially fallen short of ideas.

How else to explain the dire selection of stories that have been afforded pride of place on this week’s showbiz platform?

Between the yawn-fest of who will next be announced as a new judge on America’s The X-Factor (at this rate, Simon Cowell could start an entirely separate reality show based on the search for candidates to fill the hot seats), the never-ending saga that is Chris Brown and Rihanna (he, having just acquired yet another classy tattoo said to resemble RiRi’s bruised and battered face the night he introduced it to his fist three years ago; she, proving she’s not quite the sassy, streetwise gal she pretends to be if she’s foolish enough to still be taken in by this unscrupulous little boy) and the desperate attempts to keep the long-dead K-Patz affair selling magazines (including “revelations” of how Robert Pattinson loved to lick Kristen Stewart’s armpits), the seemingly exciting world of the who’s who is feeling rather flat of late.

The solution? Throw out a series of casual allegations of infidelity and, hey presto, you have yourself a headline. Hence, we hear the real reason (I use the term loosely) for Heidi “hot supermodel” Klum and Seal’s split is suddenly because she had supposedly been shtupping her bodyguard;

Poor old Posh’s pout has become even more pronounced as Becks is once again having to defend his honour in the wake of claims he’s been parking his love mobile in another woman’s garage – celebrated Welsh singer Katherine Jenkins’s garage, to be precise;

And the pudgy, pale-skinned brigade have also been shooting off their moustached mouths in yet another round of the “John Travolta is more of a banana than guava kinda guy” game.

Meanwhile, whereas Johnny boy and co are unwilling participants in the publicity arena, the likes of former It girl, Miss Hilton (as in Paris) has resorted to appearing in Korean music videos (yes, you read right) in a bid to reignite her flavour-of-the-month flame. Because mainstream celebrity followers are really keen on random Korean singers, don’t ya know…

Ah well. As the old saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures.

On that note, in the interest of never again being tempted to hit my head against a wall out of sheer tedium because of a dearth of topics while writing this column, I hereby declare a fatwa on any future skint celebrity news weeks!



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