Saints, skulls, crossbones - oh, and burgers

Saints Burger Joint

Address: 84 Kloof Street, Gardens

Tel: 021 424 0030

Rating: ***

Don’t worry, you haven’t just walked into a scene from Sons of Anarchy. Although, for R35 a glass of wine, this would probably not be the spot Jax and ‘em frequent.

That’s if the bikers would ever swop a beer for wine. Not likely. Anyway, Saints Burger Joint was opened in February and has already caused quite a stir with their The Mother Ship Burger.

It’s a 1kg chargrilled ground beef burger that comes with two sides, two sauces and a mug of beer. And here’s where you can use your best Verimark voice: but that’s not all. If you finish your food – that includes every single thing put in front of you in 30 minutes or less, you can get the R199 meal for mahala.

When I visited the Joint on a chilly Cape Town night, it was almost empty. Inside there was a group of friends in a corner who didn’t stay long. I chose to sit right near the big screen television that is mounted close to the ceiling – VH1 was on mute– and to my left, a couple cackled through their meal.

The upstairs area was closed off to the public for the night and the bar was also quiet but the inside area was very cosy. Perhaps it’s the coral brick walls that give off that effect or maybe it’s the dozens of framed photographs that line the wall opposite the coral brick one that are placed there to make you feel you’re in good company.

Maybe it was the jukebox, which is open to the public to use, that played only a few new rock stan-dards like Kings of Leon’s Sex On Fire and predominantly old rock ‘n’ roll classics. The latter is pretty much the common thread that weaves everything in the Joint together. The meals are named after rock songs like No More Mr Nice Guy (400g burger served without bread), Proud Mary (with feta and basil pesto) and the likes of Georgy Porgy which is one of a selection of breads.

You can create your own burger – which may actually work out to be better on your pocket than ordering any of the song titles.

Ground beef is the order of the day here, and you can ask for it free-range as an alternative.

The menu doesn’t allow for substitutions and there aren’t starters but there are “The Snacks”, which read more like the type of food you get when you’re drinking beer with your boys, like chicken wings and bacon strips.

I had the Desperado which is a ground beef burger with gouda, roasted chillies, guacamole and tomato coriander salsa. The salsa was almost mash-like in its soft texture but the guacamole was good. The meals are served with the sides (like the guacamole) in separate dishes, and at a glance, it’s all very designer food-ish.

The American cuisine allows you to choose between a side order of thick chips, skinny fries and sweet potato chips, although you might want to avoid the crunchy sweet potato chips.

The lighting in the room is low and the chandeliers hang from the mouths of a skull and crossbones drawing on the ceiling. The tables have sketches of pin-up girls (both nude and semi-nude) as well as many skulls that give it that bikers-in-a-tattoo-parlour feel that you might not want to bring your kid and his class to for your child’s birthday.

The service was super slow and the waitress didn’t seem to know fundamental things like whether the bottomless soda applies for all meals or not. She wasn’t around by the time I decided to order the Sundae On A Sunday dessert – scoops of vanilla and chocolate ice cream with bits of berries on top. The ice cream was divine but the fruit pieces not so much.