BACK in high school, I had to attend assembly every day from Monday to Friday. It was an interminable affair but I discovered early in Grade 11 that not only could I escape the tedium of prayers and hymns, I could get an extra 45 minutes sleep by bunking assembly and committing myself to the ire of a senior housemaster who went by the nickname of “Torchy”.
If you skipped assembly on Monday, Torchy gave you lines. It would take hours to write them out at home that afternoon and, if you didn’t hand them in the next day, the punishment was doubled. Ahhhh … but I’d missed assembly on Tuesday morning too, hadn’t I? So it went on till Friday and, since I never handed in any lines, Torchy would give me something (actually three things) to think about with a hefty length of wood. He was a burly fellow was our Torchy, with a lively sense of humour and a caning action that couldn’t be faulted.
It was in those two years (1977-78) that I learned about “trade-offs”: for 20 minutes of savagely stinging bum each week, I scored 225 minutes of additional sleep, avoided near-terminal daily boredom and had most of my afternoons to myself (I also got into the habit of skipping homework for subjects I didn’t like).
Memories of Torchy and the lesson I learned from him were triggered when I wondered how, in these economically straitened days, I could justify urging people to visit a trio of gloriously, outrageously expensive boutique hotels in the Western Cape. Easy, actually: these “three of the best” – Ellerman House, Majeka House and Babylonstoren – might hurt even the best-padded wallet but the long-lingering pleasure will make the pain entirely bearable.
What is unacceptably expensive: R5 000 for a night of bliss and exclusivity in magnificent surroundings or R1 500 for unrelenting mediocrity in a pre-cast concrete cell? Yep, sorry to single them out but that’s what a room in a Holiday Inn Express costs these days.
So what do Ellerman (Bantry Bay in Cape Town), Majeka (Stellenbosch) and Babylonstoren (Simondium, between Paarl and Franschhoek) have in common other than flatten-me-with-a-feather rack rates? Attitude, service, attention to detail and remarkable finishing touches.
Attitude… it sounds so simple. Hotel-school students have it drummed into them for years but these three establishments take it to a different level: Ellerman House is part-Old World opulence, part-New York trendy; Majeka is a fun gastronomic heaven and Babylonstoren is an understated working fruit and wine farm that banishes stress the moment you step on its soil.
Owned by FirstRand founder Paul Harris, Ellerman House consists of a “main” house as well as two contemporary villas. It is a member of the Relais et Chateaux group of the world’s most superior small hotels.
“Our philosophy is to share with the world the best South Africa has to offer,” says general manager Ella Cuyler, “whether it is our hospitality, wonderful food and wine, the beauty of Cape Town’s views…”
And then there’s the art: the wonderful ocean vistas are almost eclipsed by one of the finest privately owned art collections in the country that comprises old and new South African masters, modernists, pioneering black and women artists, portraits, landscapes, historical scenes and contemporary sculpture.
The Victorian main house, which houses the bulk of the art collection, possesses an elegance that murmurs gentility and breeding. The villas, especially the newer of the two, proclaim an upward mobility that is fast reaching its pinnacle.
Here, too, is art – though more industrial in nature. The ground floor of Villa Two is dominated by a three-dimensional wine rack conceived by master-designer Brian Steinhobel (who, as one of my peers at high school, would certainly also have encountered “Torchy”) with a capacity of 1 500 bottles. There is an adjoining brandy-lounge where backlit molten bottles, filled with various KWV vintages, create a woozy-boozy ambience.
Cuyler explains: “Our clientele has changed in recent years to the extent that the average age of our guests is 42 years old.
“The main house has a classic feel that traditionally attracted an older group of people, so we decided to add a more contemporary element. This is where the two villas come in: both are modern but Villa Two has been designed to have the feel of an exclusive New York loft apartment.”
Here’s the best bit. You get your own chef who will prepare anything you wish. Anything. You. Wish.
I opted for spaghetti bolognese.
You can forget about taking such a casual approach to food at Majeka House. The place might be colourful and funky but the cuisine of in-house restaurant Makaron is serious business and undoubtedly the main attraction of a stay in this quirky corner of Stellenbosch.
A perennial high-flyer at the annual EatOut Restaurant Awards, Makaron falls under Tanja Kruger who, since graduating from Stellenbosch’s Institute for Culinary Arts in 2004, has won international awards and represented South Africa in both the Culinary World Cup and Olympics.
As a girl, Kruger loathed the thought of being a chef. “I took woodwork at high school just so I didn’t have to do home economics. My mom was a chef who had her own catering company in Plettenberg Bay. I hated the industry because I felt it took her away from me.”
Surrounded by vineyards and mountains, the five-star hotel is run by owners Karin and Lloyd van der Merwe, and watched over by any number of metal, ceramic and papier-mâché pigs collected by Karin or donated by guests aware of her affection for the animals.
It would be easy to dismiss Majeka House as a base from which to explore the Cape Winelands before returning to a sumptuous dinner, a good night’s sleep and breakfast before repeating the process but this would overlook the effort that goes into making the place so remarkable.
At first glance, the rooms appear almost Spartan – a bed, desk, TV, couple of armchairs and a bathroom – but closer scrutiny reveals deft touches that meld the elements into a very classy whole.
There’s a very well-run spa for those guests who have over-indulged or who plan to do so in the most exclusive way possible… by securing a booking for what has been described as “having front-row seats in a culinary theatre”.
“Bright and breezy” is not a phrase you’d use to describe Babylonstoren. Here privacy hides in full view of the public and the steady stream of vehicles whose occupants pay R10 a head to wander through lavish vegetable, flower, fruit and herb gardens or explore the rest of farm before sitting down to a meal and glass of one of Babylonstoren’s onsite-produced wines.
There are two restaurants; the outdoor Greenhouse is informal and offers platters and designer sandwiches and Babel, a converted kraal where the emphasis is fresh produce and vibrant presentation. The 400-hectare farm is owned by media magnate Koos Bekker and his wife Karen Roos, a SA style icon responsible for the décor. It was named after the Tower of Babel (from which the word “babble” is derived) because of the myriad languages spoken in the area.