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London - Having recently experienced a budget flight, I have decided to launch my own airline, DebonAir, which, in keeping with such companies, will adhere to a business plan which transforms everything into a cash opportunity and focuses on charging you an arm and a leg for what you would normally do anyhow.
Our prices are amazing - 99p to any European destination - but, to make your experience more comfortable, we suggest you consider joining all or at least some of our following clubs:
The Shoe Club: This is a pioneering initiative for discerning flyers who wish to wear both their shoes on the flight rather than storing one in the hold, as our current health and safely policy dictates. Cost: £70 (any size up to 37); £90 (size 37 and over).
Survivors Club: Members of this special club will be awarded a seat-belt and, in the event of an emergency, a life vest (with whistle!), oxygen mask and access to an inflatable slide. Our feedback has consistently shown this can mean staying alive while others perish. You cannot put a price on a human life but, still, we think £800 is reasonable.
Lavatory Class: You will have unrestricted rest-room privileges during the flight and will be exempt from our “Go Before Boarding” directive, which is strictly monitored at all times and may well result in you pissing your pants. Cost: £46.
Baggage Club: This is an essential requirement for any passenger wishing to reclaim their baggage from the carousel instead of having it somehow disappear and then have their claim treated with indifference and contempt. Cost: £320.
Leg Room Club: Leg room is available at £29 per inch unless you would prefer to sit with your knees round your ears, which is available for a single payment of £15.
Kids Club: New European directives which we just made up now insist that all children younger than 10 must be securely placed in overhead compartments at £672 per child, if you would like them to receive oxygen. Colouring book and pencils also supplied.
Speedy Boarding Club: Although this offers no obvious advantage, if you are willing to pay for it, we are willing to offer it. Cost: £20. (In the event anyone catches on to this offering no obvious advantage, we will simply ring a buzzer and have you race from the gate to the runway.)
Congratulations. You have nearly completed your booking which currently stands at £8,999, although before you pay have you thought of adding the right to breathe in (£60) and right to breathe out (on special offer; £55)? They are both highly recommended. Thank you for flying with us or, as our slogan puts it: DebonAir - The Airline That Would Care, If Only It Gave A F*ck. - The Independent