The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge recently used the cut-price airline Flybe when travelling from Zara Phillips’s and Mike Tindall’s wedding in Edinburgh, while Prince Harry opted for easyJet.

But, as the Royals will have already discovered, budget airline travel is not for the faint-hearted. Here’s our guide to help you through the perils of no-frills flying.

Online check-in

Those travelling with hand luggage only can by-pass the airport check-in desks by doing everything online. Even though you do this on your own computer, you’ll probably still be charged about £6 (R60) for the privilege.

You can even print your own boarding pass and go straight to the departure gate half an hour before your flight takes off, at which point the attendant will be unable to scan the barcode and will direct you to the check-in desk you paid good money to avoid in the first place.

Hot, sweaty and harassed, you will make the flight by the skin of your teeth and vow never to check-in online again.

Luggage charges

Unless you’re headed to a nudist resort, most people can’t get away with just hand luggage when they go on holiday. This is where the budget airlines claw back their money.

It’ll cost you around £30 to check in a suitcase in the hold if you book online. Should you risk trying to take it as hand luggage and the check-in staff over-rule you, it will cost even more. If you manage to get past the check-in staff but the gate crew insist it goes in the hold, you’ll have to sell your house to pay the ludicrous sum you’ll be charged.

Hand luggage

Budget airlines allow you only one small piece of hand luggage. To help passengers, they usually provide a measuring box at the check-in desk stating that if your bag fits inside it, then it is OK.

What they don’t say is that your bag must fit into the box effortlessly and that sitting on it and stamping it down with your feet doesn’t count.

Ladies, if you have a carry-on bag as well as your handbag you’ll have to try to conceal one of them. Popular methods include wrapping it up in a coat, stuffing it under a T-shirt and pretending to be pregnant, or emptying the contents of your handbag into your pockets, knickers and shoes and squashing the empty hand-bag into your other bag.

Speedy boarding

Having been stung for an assortment of charges, you can pay an extra £18 for the chance to be first on the plane. Feeling very pleased with yourself, you’ll select a front-row seat – all that extra leg room and you’ll be first off the flight, too.

But, as the flight attendants inform you, those seats are by special arrangement only. No problem, you tell yourself, you’ll have a lovely quiet seat at the back. Except those seats are reserved for crew.

By this stage, the rest of the rabble are boarding and all you’re left with is a choice of sitting in front of a child who’s going to kick your seat the whole way or next to a honeymoon couple who are behaving like they’re already in the bridal suite.

Normal boarding

Those who haven’t paid for priority boarding will be split into groups according to when they checked in, but by that stage in the process it is totally irrelevant. As soon as the call goes out that remaining passengers may board, the mob will charge forward.

Terrified for their lives, the gate staff will forget any notion of trying to stick to a system and step aside. Running shoes are essential, as are sharp elbows and a thick skin. Don’t be fooled into stepping aside for those travelling with small children or elderly relatives – they use them as props. It’s every

passenger for himself.

Toy-Town seats

Budget airlines come kitted out with seats that even Thumbelina would find uncomfortable. Your knees will be pressed up against the seat in front, which means the person behind you has theirs in your back. There isn’t enough room for the seat-back tray to lie flat, so all food must be consumed at an angle. On top of this, sod’s law dictates you will be sitting behind a person who insists on reclining their seat – if they do this when you’re eating, your seat tray will need to be surgically removed from your stomach.

Inflight food

Unlike chartered and scheduled flights, the cost of food and beverages is not included in your ticket. The pricing tariffs appear to be calculated in line with the inflation rates of Zimbabwe. Woe betide anyone who’s hungry: you’ll have no choice but to spend the money you had put aside for a hire car on a tiny tub of Pringles, that ounce for ounce cost more than gold. And you can forget any notions of a relaxing meal – you’ll have to eat up quickly because, even though you’ve just been served, the crew will be around to clear away in minutes.

Pocket luck

Reaching, with a mixture of terror and curiosity, into the pocket of the seat in front of you is all part of the thrilling adventure of budget airline travel.

The planes operate on a quick turnaround – meaning they get thoroughly cleaned only at the end of the day, so there’s no telling what goodies previous passengers that day may have left behind.

If you’re lucky, you may find money, a book, camera or iPod. But, realistically, it’s more likely to be false teeth, chewing gum or a half-eaten sandwich. - Saturday Star

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