How to survive in a French restaurant

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Copy of ST_french bistro0 gies with dining story REUTERS Paris restaurant Au Petit Fer a Cheval (The Little Horse Shoe.

Tips for dining in Paris:

Dinner time.

No Parisian will ever turn up at a restaurant before 8pm. If you’re invited to someone’s place to dinner, the same rule applies.

The menu.

Before entering the restaurant, check the menu in the window. If it’s laminated, typed and translated into several languages, it’s clear they’re catering for the tourist with zero culinary curiosity. Move on. Look for a smaller restaurant with a handwritten menu on a blackboard – chances are the menu is changed regularly. Too much choice is always suspicious (expect frozen food heated in a microwave). Long, fancy names suggest the chef is making an effort.

The waiters.

Never assume the restaurant personnel will be amicable. A disdainful look on entering is a safe start. This will give you time to measure up the situation. A bit like two dogs meeting. First there’s the growl, followed by a hair bristle, ending up with a bottom sniff and a tail wag. Same goes for the French, who like to know who they’re dealing with.

Seating.

Madame does not have to feel the feminist movement is being insulted if Monsieur opens the door and pulls the chair out for her. Old-fashioned gallantry and women’s lib cohabitate well in France. The rule of thumb is that the fairer sex is seated facing out, over the restaurant.

Choosing the food.

It’s tricky choosing from a menu if you don’t understand a word and you don’t want to let on you’re a foreigner. The safest option, if proposed, is “le plat du jour”. As its name suggests, this will be meat or fish freshly bought on the day and cooked according to the chef’s fancy. Unless it is the plat du jour or a fish restaurant, avoid the fish. Something white, sticky and flavourless with an equally flavourless ball of rice is probably what you’ll get. Your waiter/waitress will be bending backwards to translate the menu into English. Problem is, you still don’t understand. Don’t insist. The French are complexed about their foreign language skills. Just point out an entrée and a main (always ordered together). The cheese and dessert menu will be back later.

Bread.

Do NOT order hot bread, or worse still, garlic bread to nibble on while you’re waiting. Garlic bread is a new world invention. Bread remains a biblical feature of the French table.

Water.

Unless you ask for tap water – une carafe d’eau – you will be given expensive bottled water. Tap water is no longer a health hazard, except in Brittany where the water is pollutedfrom intensive pig farming.

Wine.

The automatic choice of a Bordeaux as a guarantee of quality will blow any respect you’ve gained so far. Far more chic to go for a small vineyard from the south. The bigger glass is for water, the smaller one for wine. The cork has not yet been replaced by the screw top, so beware of the corked bottle.

Meat.

The French like their steak only just dead. Be precise and very firm if you don’t want it walking off your plate – a point. Never ask for a doggy bag. You shouldn’t need to, they’re not big on loaded plates.

Cheese.

Always before dessert and never served with crackers. The biggest challenge lies in the cutting. Your education, social and intellectual status will be judged on it. The rule of thumb for this is to cut like a tart, cutting from the middle outwards, so each person gets a bit of creamy centre and crust, be it a square or round cheese. No rules for dessert.

Coffee.

It varies from just drinkable to awful. They don’t do scalding hot, so no point complaining. There is little choice – espresso, allonge (watered-down), noisette (with a drop of milk) or decaffeine.

The bill.

There’s a certain flexibility with tipping, depending on your appreciation of the meal, the service and the environment. It’s not really necessary at a casual lunch, it’s about 10 percent of the bill for something more upmarket or an evening meal. Then again, it’s not expected because you’ve paid €150 for a meal for five that you’re going to leave a €15 tip. Bon appetit!– New Zealand Herald


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@pierre, wrote

IOL Comments
12:03pm on 18 August 2011
IOL Comments

If you want to see grumpy waiters you don't need to travel too far in SA, believe me. 10 minutes max. LOL

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pierre, wrote

IOL Comments
11:09am on 18 August 2011
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Just a staggering amount of old and silly cliches... what is it about the french that anglo-saxons find so intimidating ? Yes guys, french waiters don't usually speak english and menus in France are, wait for it, in French... I know it's mystifying. I've never seen an article in any French newspaper complaining that menus in English-speaking countries are in English, or that waiters rarely speak anything other than English. Why do so many English speakers expect the French to be multilingual in their own country when so few Anglo-Saxons bother learning any language other than English ? And, once and for all: Waiters in France are not universally grumpy nor rude, at least no more than anywhere else. What they don't do, is being exaggeratingly deferential in the hope of getting tipped more, and introduce themselves by saying "Hi, my name is Wendy, and I'll be your waitress today". Get over it.

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steven, wrote

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11:02am on 18 August 2011
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I'm french and i can tell you better tip unless you plan never to come back !! you wanna know what's on your plate believe me !!!

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mark de stad, wrote

IOL Comments
10:51am on 18 August 2011
IOL Comments

what a ridiculous article , did somebody in iol dig into the new zealand heralds archives and pull something out of 1984 . How about the next time you go to france you actually bother learning some french , then you dont have to eat at some over priced amercian diner.

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Derick, wrote

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10:40am on 18 August 2011
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Another Tip, don't call the waiter Garcon. It is considered impolite in today's Paris.

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