Budget airlines don’t work for me. They’re really scary.
However, it’s kind of hard to avoid them – especially when you’re not exactly loaded. They’re an unfortunate reality.
Some budget carriers refer to themselves as “no frills” airlines, which sort of implies that they’re going to get you where you need to be. Just don’t expect anything more.
In the beginning we slowly saw the disappearance of those complimentary peanuts and beverages and the advent of mid-flight tuck shops. I was okay with this “no frills” thing initially because it was all about getting there, right?
But then I started to wonder: today we lose the peanuts, tomorrow it could be seatbelts or those bizarre oxygen masks.
And how long before cushion seats get swapped for plastic ones or seats themselves are considered a “frill”?
I envisage a time when I’m probably going to take my own crate on board to sit on and tie myself to anything that’s bolted down. It’s hardly improbable you know...
Economy class is a nightmare as it is. Being crammed into those cattle paddocks are no joke and, God forbid, that you end up next to fatty. Ask me, I know, I found myself stuffed between two drums of lard on a flight from Port Elizabeth not long ago.
There was one point where I thought the armrest felt a little weird – until I realised that my arm was actually resting on the hairy belly of the dude next to me.
No frills means you don’t get to complain, remember? It’s about getting there.
After the whole belly-armchair debacle, on my next flight I booked a window seat. We’re 15 minutes into the flight, the tuck shop is in the aisle and I realise I’m going to have to hold my wee until O R Tambo. So, to divert my attention from the sound of water being poured, I look out the window and see an engine catch on fire and fall off. At that point I realised that while no-frills airlines do get you there, getting you there alive isn’t a necessity.
Okay, so we didn’t end up dying in that particular instance. What we did do, however, was re-route for an emergency and land at an airfield just outside our intended destination, Joburg. I couldn’t help thinking that a wonderful slogan for this airline would’ve been: “we get you close… enough.”
Talking of slogans, there is an airline that claims to fly passengers to more destinations than any other. Ironically, one of the destinations this airline had a plane “land” at was a high school in the south of Durban. I use the word “land” in the context of a phrase I’m sure test pilots are quite fond of: “if you can walk away from it, it’s a landing.”
So what makes planes fall from the sky? I’m no aeronautical engineer, but I’m sure it’s the same thing that makes birds fall out of the sky – they get old.
And the trouble with many of the budget carriers we enjoy using because of the round trips they offer at the cost of less than a live chicken is that these guys operate on aviation hand-me-downs.
Yes, that’s right, the old aircraft that bigger airlines deemed “unskyworthy” and, hence, threw out.
When I raised this, some airline guy argued that although the planes are old they’re well maintained and, therefore, are safe.
Sure, maintenance is one thing, but I have an uncle who has a 1972 Datsun. Although he serviced it regularly, it didn’t stop the car from dying on the freeway one afternoon without warning.
But don’t panic yet. I am told that statistically you’re still more likely to get killed by a minibus taxi in your living room than in a plane crash.
Personally, these days I pop a bunch of sleeping pills before I get on a plane. That way if anything does happen, I get to miss all the frantic screaming and vigorous praying. However, what’s worse than going down in a plane crash is having your luggage sent to Pofadder while on your way to Cape Town – especially after you’ve kak’d your broekies after a rough flight.
SIGNS YOU ARE ON A LOW-COST FLIGHT
* The plane has a propeller: Did you hear the one about the pilot who safely landed the plane after the propeller fell off? No? Neither did I. That’s because it never happened. As a rule of thumb, if the plane is so old that it has a propeller, don’t get on. My granddad used to say that a propeller in the front of a plane is to keep the pilot cool – and when it falls off, he really sweats. Old technology can be a real bitch. I flew Air Uganda once. The plane crashed. Apparently we ran out of coal…
* The pilot is slurring over the intercom: Call me old school, but I like my judges and pilots sober. Unfortunately, these days there’s always that one captain and his first officer who like to take the edge off a little too much in the airport lounge.
* You see the pilot walk across the tarmac wearing dark shades, carrying a cane and with a guide dog. ’Nuf said.
* You see a giant letter “L” on the plane’s windscreen: I don’t care if he has a bijillion hours on the Cessna under his belt and a licensed pilot in the seat next to him, unless it’s the end of the world, there is a fireball from hell descending upon you and he is the only pilot alive, get off that plane.
* The mechanics are nonchalant: You know those guys who inspect the plane before a flight? If they look a little too casual, you probably should be a little concerned. For example, if you hear them say things like, “Just put some duct tape on it, it will be fine,” or “I’m sure it will make it on one engine,” you probably should switch airlines. - Sunday Tribune