It sounded like an elaborate dinner joke. An Israeli, an American, a German, a Brit and two South Africans rent a yacht to sail from Dubrovnik to Split.
The leathery old Croatian skipper assigned by the Austrian-based company speaks a little English, a little more Italian, and shrugs a lot. But the idea was simple: three couples, a wise old sailor and the dream holiday of a lifetime.
A few years ago Croatia was a relatively unknown, highly recommended holiday destination.
The food and accommodation were astonishingly cheap.
Travellers would return home, giddily whispering to their nearest and dearest about the "undiscovered", unspoilt seaside splendour.
Fast-forward a few years - the secret is out. Tourism is booming in this quaint little country.
Budget airlines fly directly from all over Europe. Hotels and holiday homes are popping up on the smallest of islands. Yachts compete for space in the marinas.
The locals all speak very good English. Well, most of them.
Holidays in Croatia are not as inexpensive as they used to be.
Having said that, Croatia (or Hrvatski) still makes a wonderful getaway. We chose to explore it by boat, mostly because we could.
After years of enviously skeefing the bobbing yachts at Clifton 4th Beach and their glamorous crew, it turns out that (in Croatia, anyway) hiring a yacht and skipper for a week is affordable. The vessel provides both accommodation and transport for the duration of the trip. And one gets to be the aforementioned crew - as glamorous as you wish to believe. Unfortunately, the charter company we used, Bavadria, didn't treat us like celebrities, let alone valued customers. They failed to provide us with all the information we'd asked for and refused to pick up the excess costs we'd incurred because of their self-confessed mistake.
Fortunately, the views, weather and experience were worth it. And there are many other charter companies to choose from for next time.
There are over 1&nbs;000 islands in Croatia, 47 of them inhabited. Most of them very similar indeed. Wharf. Café /pizzeria. Market. Icecream shop. Very nice. The inhabitants are friendly and laid-back. Our skipper, Mladen, was just laid back. He didn't seem to like us, and he certainly didn't like our food.
Admittedly, we didn't care much for the Croatian food.
The pizzas were okay but the restaurant meals were generally tasteless and over- cooked. The salads (whether mixed, green, or house, or vegetarian platter) combined lettuce, skinless cucumbers and tomatoes. Take it or leave it. Croatians prefer hot food, despite autumnal temperatures hitting 37°C. They drink very strong coffee, accompanied by a glass of water, and - if Mladen was anything to go by - a remarkable quantity of beer.
One night, when we were anchored offshore of Mljet, our skipper misjudged the gap between the concrete quay and the dinghy, thanks to an evening of merriment at the island's bar.
After Mladen's clown-like topple off the edge of the quay, followed immediately by his rocketing out the water, shouting concerns for his cellphone, two things became clear: 1. Despite his ways, Mladen was a good sailor and our safety was paramount. 2. You're lost without a cellphone.
We quickly learnt the best way to fix a saltwater-logged phone is to soak it in "sweet" tap water. We learnt wherever you are in Croatia, there is phone network reception.
And we learnt that, thankfully, alcohol didn't seem to alter our captain's abilities to sail the yacht, no matter what the conditions.
It's very easy to relax when you're living on a yacht. Within a short time we were accustomed to the bob of the boat and found ourselves swaying when standing on land. Every day we'd wake up on one island, sail to another for lunch and a swim, and find yet another to moor at for the night.
The nights were warm and calm. The days were hot and lazy. The sea was spectacularly clear. We bought cheap snorkels and would swim off the back of the boat among the tiny black fish, sea urchins and crackling sea grass, occasionally spotting starfish and pumpkin shells. We were one of the few boats who did so wearing bathing costumes or anything at all.
On land we explored the small villages and perused the informal stalls selling olive oil, figs, handmade jewellery, homemade liquor and painted rocks. We ate icecream and stocked up on supplies.
On board we slept, read our books, sat in the sun and stared out to the horizon (especially when it got a bit choppy). We soon realised that the best place to be in rough water was in the spray above deck; the best place for lunchtime bee invasions was below. Our unplanned route was determined by the wind and sea conditions, and wharf space at the next stop.
The itinerary was ideal, mixing the peaceful quaintness of smaller islands like ipan and Solta with the buzzing nightlife and loud karaoke of Korcula, and the relaxed haven of gift shops and gorgeous open-air cinema of Vis.
The Croatian women were consistently well dressed, tall and good-looking. The Croatian men were less so. Marina males (admittedly mostly Italian) would wander to and from the public bathrooms in their undies.
On Hvar the visitors preferred to show off their (ahem) masculinity by way of revving their Ferraris and dressing up for the news cameras. The Challenge 2007 had come to town. Champagne flowed and sunglasses sparkled. Whitened teeth flashed for the media while locals, dressed in relatively frumpy traditional outfits and dancing traditional dances, were, for all their hospitable intentions, ignored.
In Croatia, they play water polo in the sea, and basketball in the old city. They sell tomatoes from their own gardens, and have holiday homes on neighbouring islands. The buildings have stone brick walls and red roofs - best viewed from on top of Dubrovnik's well-preserved city walls. Toilet facilities in Croatia are spotless.
The land is dry and the towns bleached and windswept. We arrived days after fires had threatened Dubrovnik and were still smoking further north. We saw fire planes scooping up water from the sea, and fir trees reaching up to the sky like flames. In contrast, the sea was like sapphire. A pod of dolphins once joined us for a leg of the journey. The sun shone brightly and our yacht glistened like a great white fibreglass grin.
The boat was perfectly comfortable, and the motion sickness tablets went mostly untouched.
Yes, we'd hit our heads getting out of bed, and no, we didn't have to do much during the journey - Mladen preferred to take control, perhaps more for the vessel's sake than our own. But it never felt cramped or boring.
We cooked meals onboard, showered, slept and relaxed.
By the time we got to Split after seven days at sea, it felt strange not to have to go back to the boat and our grumpy skipper.
The three couples went back to their own homes, and the wise old sailor returned to his wife and a big boiled lunch. The dream holiday had happened.
And, just for that week, we got to be the glamorous crew.
If you go...
- Visa: South African passport holders require a Croatian visa to enter Croatia, but the consulate staff are generally friendly and laid-back.
- Getting there: From Joburg, the easiest route is to fly via a major European city, eg London, Frankfurt or Vienna
- What to take: Slip-slops, snorkel and a pinch of salt.
- Accommodation: A host of hotels and boat charter companies can be found online.
- More Information: www.croatia-official.com, www.croatia.hr