Unpleasant family feuds often cause a flip side to the festive atmosphere of Christmas.
Along with the jingle bells, presents, mince pies and punch, relatives can find each another a bit on the fruit cake side as dormant dynamics emerge.
Managing your emotions can defuse family feuds over Christmas, according to psychologist Paul Bushell.
“There is pressure to deliver expensive things, to be someone in someone else’s eyes and to deliver food,” he said.
He said people should be aware of these expectations and be conscious of the conversations with themselves that go on in their own heads.
“Those thoughts turn to feelings,” Bushell said, adding they could, in turn, become actions.
“Be very aware of what you are putting yourself under.”
He said Christmas gatherings often involved get-togethers of people who had not seen each other for a while, in a concentrated space for a short period.
“The narrative they carry with these people include feelings, feuds, tensions and disappointments. They come out to play in this space.
“Throw alcohol into this mix, and a lot of stuff then comes out. Arguments start playing themselves out.”
They key was balance, he stressed.
“Don’t see this time of year as a time to do things in excess. Do less rather than do more.”
Psychologist James Sharratt said Christmas gatherings often involved gatherings of people with issues that had not been dealt with. “Suddenly people have to make an effort to be pleasant towards one another.”
He said people should work towards preventing relationships breaking down completely because it could bring regret.
“I encourage families to get to the point where they can be civil with each other. This often requires mediation,” said Sharratt.
“Families meeting together in an effort to resolve conflict can cause more damage. They interrupt one another, and people behave differently when they are at home and not in public. They can break all the rules and often say damaging things to one another.”
He said people needed to be realistic about expectations, stressing the need to see that the way others do things is “not necessarily wrong, just different”.
“One needs to respect them and get to a place where one is civil.”
Psychologist John Soderlund said people’s object relations were powerfully influenced by their relationships with their primary caregivers.
“We individuate in our late teens, early 20s, and we forge identities separate from them and form our own families. At Christmas, all these things that have lain dormant are dragged up again.
“A classic example of how an adult may react would be to think: ‘I wish my mother would treat me like an adult when I am 47’,” said Soderlund.
He said the solution lay in being insightful and understanding why people responded and related the way they did.
“When there is insight, we can make choices,” he said.
“When we don’t understand we react automatically, like we did as kids. We slot into the same role as when we were kids.
“Early relations remain intact at an emotional level. They require management.”