Dan Simon
When Julius Malema tied the knot with his bride, Mantwa Matlala, in Limpopo last weekend, did he realise he might be in for the long haul?
I ask because my wife and I celebrated our 19th anniversary in December. Yes, 19 whole years of “marital bliss”.
Almost two decades of waking up next to each other. A total of 228 months of balancing the budget, and 912 weeks to conceive and raise two children in this uncertain world.
Our anniversary date is 21/12. That’s it. Two One of One Two, which solves a lot of problems when it comes to advancing age and memory loss. And our marriage took place during a Rugby World Cup year. So there is no chance of forgetting that. To top it all, we still get on fabulously considering the wear and tear.
So the outlook is rosy that we will reach the big 20 come 21/12/ 2015.
But when we solemnly declared “I do” soon after the Springboks won us our first William Webb Ellis trophy, I don’t think we realised what we had let ourselves in for.
How was this huge leap into the unknown going to pan out?
Somehow I suspect the Malemas of Seshego may be experiencing similar uncertainties. Questions such as: What now?; Did I do the right thing?; How long will it last?; Will we be able to balance the budget?; Are we going to have children?; Will Julius remember our anniversary?; etcetera, will be going through the Malemas’ minds for some time to come. So allow me, my dear wife, on this occasion to take the lead and answer some of the burning questions that may be playing mind games with the Malemas. What now? Well Julius and Mantwa, the world knows you are man and wife and that it’s still early days.
My advice here is just be nice to one another and tread carefully while you size each other up. This is a critical stage in the bonding phase and any slip-ups could spell doom to years of blissful harmony.
I want to add a word of caution though. Mr Malema, under no circumstances should there be sudden outbursts of “bloody agent” if you find your supper is cold, your beer is warm or your red overalls and strawberry beret have not been washed and ironed properly. Make use of the microwave or fetch another beer.
Just remember to cut your missus some slack. She will learn in good time (if you remember your anniversary).
Did I do the right thing? I’m not sure. Crystal balls have long passed their sell-by date and nothing else has filled the void. But for what it’s worth, here is some advice. Julius, as long as you stand by your wife and do right by her in all your deeds, so you shall reap the rewards.
Not only will Mantwa become a devoted partner to the commander-in-chief, but you can count on those soiled red overalls and strawberry beret being washed and ironed with military precision when you’re back home from active duty in the parliamentary trenches.
(Again, this can only happen if you don’t forget your anniversary.)
How long will it last? Only as long as you, Julius, remember that you now have a wife to go home to. This silly habit of late-night carousing with rowdy friends after some or other political event is over. It’s history! Move on! There is nothing worse than a disgruntled missus sitting alone at home wondering where her man is.
It has been documented that inconsiderate behaviour can lead to a hot iron causing ghastly damage to red overalls and a strawberry beret. Will we be able to balance the budget? A tricky one this, but it all depends on whether there are going to be one or two breadwinners in the house. Hopefully there will be two.
I say this Julius because you have huge debts to repay and are in a financial squeeze despite your parliamentary salary.
It is here that I should caution Mrs Malema, who I believe is studying to be an accountant, to resist the temptation of blurting out “bloody fool agent” if you mistake the household budget for pocket money. These are early days and anyone can make a mistake.
So cut him some slack, Mantwa! Julius will come to his senses eventually.
Are we going to have children? Yes, I believe you will be both blessed with kids. Who they will look like is anyone’s guess. (I’m leaning towards Mantwa’s softer looks.) But a word of advice here. Seeing as you, Julius, are in a financial pickle, I would keep the number of offspring down to two. Hopefully a boy and a girl.
Everyone loves a pigeon pair.
And lastly: Will Julius remember our anniversary? I should hope so, Mantwa. I’ve reminded him twice.
l Simon is Cape Times senior sub-editor