Having a healthy self-esteem is important for adults and children and, as a parent, you need to make sure your children feel good about themselves as they spread their wings.
Here’s how you can help:
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is part of our emotional intelligence which has been found to be equally if not more important than our IQ. It is the feeling we have when we succeed and feel loved.
Our self-esteem is developed early in life when toddlers learn to overcome their first hurdles. When they learn to walk, they fall and need to get up again.
When parents encourage their successes in a loving way, they feel a sense of accomplishment and try again.
Through success they feel confident and develop. However, as self-esteem can be built up, it can be broken down just as easily.
Healthy self-esteem is a child’s defence against difficult life situations.
Children who have a good self-esteem can handle criticism, conflict and rejection in life much better than children who do not.
Children who are able to think and say “I can do it”, “I will find a way”, “I am clever” are generally much happier than those who think “I can’t do that”, “What’s the point?”, “I am stupid”.
How can parents help a child develop self-esteem?
Give your child responsibilities.
When your child has little tasks that he can complete successfully he feels part of the family and proud of himself.
Often children are keen to help but are kept back because of fear that they might get hurt, fail or because it takes too long.
Let them do small tasks first, see how delighted they are to succeed and adjust the tasks as they get better.
Have patience and see it as a life-lesson for them.
Allow mistakes to happen. It is often the only way to learn.
Reward effort and completion instead of outcome.
Do not just look at what your child achieved or did not achieve, rather focus on the effort.
Don’t just say: “It doesn’t matter, you will do well next time.”
Rather reflect on his or her emotions, be empathetic, listen well and say: “I can see that you are upset that you didn’t get the mark you hoped for, but you worked so hard and I am really proud of you for doing that.”
There is a difference between praise and encouragement.
The first one rewards the task while the other rewards the person. Praise can make a child feel that he is only “good” if he does something perfectly.
Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort.
Too much praise can lead to a low self-esteem because the child might think he or she will only be praised if he or she did very well thus putting him or herself under a lot of pressure.
Change negative beliefs and thoughts
Negative beliefs and thoughts enhance poor performance.
Help your child to change them. Instead of thinking: “I am so bad at writing creative stories. I am useless.”
Your child should be helped to think: “I am a good leaner but I need to practise my story writing a bit more to improve that skill.”
Try to find more positive than negative things to say about your child. This will help her to think that she can do something right and is not “useless”.
Be a good role model
Children copy everything parents do, say and think.
Watch what you say, try to be positive and be aware of what you think.
If you have a positive thought and belief pattern your child will learn to be positive too.
Create structure and boundaries.
Structure and boundaries are important for a child to feel safe. Make sure that your child knows the limits, be firm and consistent.
If you don’t want your child to watch too much TV for example, discuss a reasonable time frame with him and tell him that he can choose to stick to the agreement otherwise he chooses not to watch any TV at all for the next day.
Choices will teach your child responsibility for his behaviour. Follow through with the consequence if the child does not keep to the agreement.
Children need to know what their limits are at home and at school to be able to feel safe. Insecurities lead to a low self-esteem.
Children who feel safe and know the boundaries have the ability to try out new behaviours without having to fear rejection or to feel unloved.
Spend time with your child.
It seems as if life is getting faster and faster. I have found that when children are asked what they would wish if they had a “free wish”, they often say they want to spend more time with their parents.
Take the time, make your child feel special, be interested in what he or she is doing, be loving and empathetic.
This will help your child to feel that he or she is worth the attention. It is important to have a special time set out for your child. It does not have to be more than one or two hours during the week if you are very busy – where you do what your child wants to do with you.
Let him or her chose an activity and don’t allow phone calls or other commitments to interfere in that time.
Follow these points and see how your child develops into a more confident person. After all, we all want our children to be happy in life and to overcome their obstacles well.
* Andrea Kellerman will write a monthly Mind Matters column for the Daily News.
She is an Educational Psychologist at the EQ Advantedge Centre and specialises in emotional intelligence and memory enhancement, neurofeedback/brain training and hypnotherapy to help children and adults achieve their goals in life. Visit www.eq-advantedge.co.za, email [email protected] or call 031 266 8563.