Washington – The recent rape and sexual misconduct allegations against comedian Bill Cosby have exposed a hidden contour of many women’s lives. And reminded me, once again, of the need for “the talk” with my daughters.
Mothers have “the talk” with their sons about violence; with their girls, “the talk” is about men and power and sexual abuse.
Most of us don’t know Cosby and can’t suss out the veracity of what he is alleged to have done.
But the accusations remind us of a type of guy every woman I know is familiar with.
That guy. Feels like we’ve known him our whole lives.
The surrogate father, the stand-in uncle, the mentor, the professional who offers kindness, advice and a helping hand. It can feel affirming. It can feel like a balm. Until it turns into something else.
Until it turns edgy, coercive, confusing and riddled with hard-to-sort power dynamics, and you’re on the wrong end.
You do want to feel special, you do think you’re talented, you do like it when someone says you’re pretty, and yes, of course, you want to help yourself.
You appreciate the offer, you say. But this feels suspect, you think. Your spider sense starts tingling. I’m not sure what we’re talking about here. Then comes the vulnerability. The sadness. That foolish, foolish feeling.
Oh. That.
No, I’m sorry I misunderstood, you say. No, you’re right, I’m not as smart a girl as you thought I was.
Sometimes you can see that guy coming. If you’re lucky. But more often, he hails from left field. He can be a boss on a temp assignment when you desperately need a job. Or a professor. Or a rabbi.
I’m so glad you’re feeling better, but now tell me, are your physical needs being met? God wants to provide for those, too, a pastor once told a friend going through a divorce.
You know you can come to me for anything. And I mean anything. You’re a beautiful woman, a friend’s father, who had known us since we were girls, said to another friend who had fallen on hard times.
Of course, you won’t say anything. You’ll bury it deep. You don’t want to get them in trouble - especially since there’s always the veiled threat that trouble will come back on you.
Here’s what I’ve said to my own two daughters, and begged them to pay attention. You’ve got a father, you’ve got a brother, you’ve got cousins (and you’re lucky they’re wired right). Other men who represent themselves as stand-ins for one of those roles in your life are men who potentially will try to sleep with you. No matter how old or avuncular, how long they’ve known you, or how tight they’ve always been with your momma’s people. You don’t have to automatically assume that they will, and super-great if they don’t. But don’t be blind to it if they do. Don’t fail to recognise that a play for sex - mutual or coercive or unconscious - is exactly what is going on.
And when that realisation sets in, that disillusionment, that disappointment, take what lessons there are to be learned from that encounter and keep it moving. If you’re lucky enough that that’s an option. If they took no for an answer. And didn’t take from you something you can’t get back. Let it make you watchful and wiser. Just understand that no matter how smart, pretty, talented you are, that guy is not really interested in you for that. He will hurt you.
And that guy will be out there for the rest of your life.
Washington Post