Question: My 11-year-old daughter has been friends with a pair of twins since kindergarten. She has more in common and fun with one than the other, and so would like to invite her to things without the other twin. With other types of siblings I have never worried about this (you don't always invite little sister along on every — or any — play date) but this seems awkward. Is there a way to do this without hurting feelings?
Answer: I wish I could tell you, “Why, yes! There are three easy ways to handle this situation, and no one will experience any hurt feelings!”
But I think you and I (and all parents) know that life doesn't work like that.
So you should start by asking yourself whether this is your problem to solve, or your child's.
You don't say in your question, but I am wondering about a couple of points:
1. Do you see that your daughter has more in common with Twin A than Twin B, but your daughter is perfectly fine with the setup as it is? (In which case, the problem is yours and you can happily leave this alone.)
2. Is your daughter complaining about Twin B, and has she been for a while, but has found herself in a rut in the friendships?
3. Is your daughter complaining to you about the relationship here and there, but seems happy, day to day, with the sisters?
All parents in all situations need to differentiate what may be in our heads from what reality, and our children, are showing us.
Let's say that your daughter is really fed up with forcing herself to hang out with B. Let's say she really doesn't know what to do about it. Let's say that your daughter and Twin A are becoming more exclusive in their friendship.
Finding affinity and friendships with people who are like us is a natural part of growing up. Separating from those to whom we don't have likeness is also a part of growing up.
So, what is your role as a parent here? As you have no doubt realised, now that your daughter is getting older, your literal managing of friendships is ending and instead, your role is more of mentor, role model and boundary-keeper. That means that unless you see some really unkind stuff going on, there is not much you can do here.
Frustrating, right?
So, let's take a look at how you can contribute to this friendship scenario.
1. Become an expert listener. As the parent, listen for the clues of how (and whether) your daughter is struggling. Is she wrestling with her empathy for Twin B vs. preferring the company of Twin A? This is good. We want to listen, reflect on and encourage this, which is a sign of mature thinking. When children are allowed to safely struggle with these issues with a loving and supportive parent, there is a greater chance that they will see the complicated nature of life. That is, in essence, the definition of maturity.
2. Become a sounding board for problem-solving. Note that I did not write, “jump in here with your solutions so that you don't have to watch your daughter struggle.” Being a sounding board involves your reflection and your wisdom. Saying things like, “You know, I was in a pickle similar to this at your age. It was really tough. Something that worked for me was . . . .” In order to do this, you really have to have your daughter's trust and loyalty. Otherwise, she will feel you controlling her and then you will have to . . .
3. Back off and pay attention. If your daughter is shunning your wisdom or is not interested in your insight, that's your sign to back off. That doesn't mean you leave the situation altogether. It means you watch the friendship dynamics, watch what she says and does with the twins. Watch for excessive meanness. Watch for empathy and kindness, too. Watch. This will tell you almost everything you need to know.
4. When in doubt, have everyone under your roof, and keep everything easy and likable for everyone (within reason). Host movie-and-popcorn nights. Take all three girls, and add one more friend (even numbers are helpful) ice skating. Host a pizzamaking party (again, even numbers). You get the idea.
Yes, your daughter may splinter off with Twin A eventually, but you can be the leader and role model of maturity, empathy, kindness and inclusion for her, as well as for the other young women who are part of this friendship triangle.
This friendship will play out, and someone may well experience pain. Pain is a part of life, and you can't stop that. Your purpose is to provide security, wisdom, love and boundaries through the pain.
Washington Post