QUESTION: Ever since my children left home I have become unaccountably anxious and depressed.
When they were at university, we used to see them in the holidays, but now they have moved out, my life seems completely empty and I am extremely low.
I know it's “empty nest syndrome” and people say that I should do something to take my mind off things, but even though I've taken part-time work as an accountant - I work at home - I still feel wretched. What can I do? My husband says we should get a dog, but I can't see that helping much!
Yours sincerely, Honor
ANSWER: There is a theory that when men feel anxious it's because they feel they can't do what they're cut out to do in this situation - which is make a “flight or fight” reaction. Action of some kind is what relieves the panic and works off the cortisone whizzing around in their bodies.
Women, however, it has been discovered in another piece of research, find that their anxiety is alleviated if they “tend or befriend”.
The idea is that if a lion approaches the village, men, being outward-looking, either rush for their spears ready to enter battle with the beast, or take to the hills as fast as their legs can carry them. Women, on the other hand, who aren't able to run as fast or fight as fiercely, don't do either: they think primarily of their young and make sure they're OK, and gather around them a group of other people so they can all help protect each other from the threat.
You've been coping very well with your innate anxiety - no doubt present since birth - bringing up your family. Now your children are gone, you're at a loose end, feeling pointless, worried and frightened. Working part-time on your own is not going to alleviate these feelings - if anything, it will increase your sense of isolation. Is there any way you can ask to work in an office to do your part-time accounting? I know there's always a feeling of relief doing a job away from other people because you can get on with it much quicker, but perhaps being with others would made you feel more part of a network, more “belonging”.
That would deal with the befriending part of your solution. As for the tending - what your husband suggests isn't that barmy. You may have an intrinsic dislike of dogs, but why not try one out for a while? Ask to look after a friend's dog while they're on holiday. See how it goes. It's amazing how having something dependent on you can lift your spirits. I looked after a stray pigeon a couple of years ago, and although I wasn't particularly keen on it, I did feel I had an important, if unwilling, role as its carer.
If not a dog, perhaps some other animal. Or perhaps you could look into looking after disabled children short-term while their parents had a holiday. Or, if you live near a hospital, having parents of sick children to stay so they can be near them.
Nurturing isn't just a one-way business, as you know. The nurturer can get a lot out of caring for others, as some of their kindness and compassion that's spread around, lands, like heat, on themselves as well.
One day, there will be grandchildren to help with. But even that blissful period won't last for ever. Try to find some caring occupation that you can always fall back on, now that your own chicks have flown.
The Independent