London - There isn’t a one-size-fits-all guide to parenting that I don’t know about, is there?
It would be handy if there was a rule book as effective as, say, the Hogwarts book of spells because right now everything seems unhelpfully fuzzy round the edges.
Tell me, for example, exactly what are the rules around leaving a child home alone for the first time? Is there an age limit or not?
I’ve googled this conundrum, trawled chat rooms of parenting websites and asked friends with older children, and the conclusion is: “It depends on their personality.” What’s that supposed to mean? I’ve got middle-aged relatives I wouldn’t leave home alone if you apply that directive.
Now school’s out for summer, it’s a challenge for us working parents to get all the children to their various activities on time without occasionally leaving the eldest one of the four, who is 13 in three weeks, home alone. But is almost 13 too young?
Another mom tells me she has left her nine-year-old for up to two hours. But I’m still nervous. The law here in the UK is vague: it seems to say any age is okay as long as the child is not put at risk from harm. You see what I mean — fuzzy. Does this mean I could leave Mabel, at the age of four? She’s very good at taking care of herself but everything else would be at risk from harm.
On Sunday we tested our nearly 13-year-old with a trial run. I decided to lurk behind bins in the front garden and peer into the lounge while she went about her business. Mr Candy said that was “maternal madness” and the equivalent of the time I followed her home from school in the car after she took the bus back alone for the first time.
We left her for 40 minutes. If you’ve ever seen the TV programme The Secret Life Of Cats, where the kitties run around like lunatics in their owners’ absence, then imagine the exact opposite of that and you’ve got a snapshot of what happened here. Nothing (after she had found the TV remote obviously).
I’m not sure she noticed we went out; it was an Olympic display of teenage slothfulness. I only knew she was awake because I could hear the rhythmic crunching of a family-sized bag of prawn cocktail crisps.
When I had to leave her alone for real for an hour the next morning, I composed a list of ‘dos and don’ts’ (you know how teenagers just love instructions).
These may be helpful to others out there, given the lack of specific instructions around this ‘Girls Home Alone’ business. So here they are:
* Don’t decide to cook a four-course meal in the manner of Mary Berry. The oven is out of bounds. Likewise, step away from your beloved toastie maker.
* Don’t use knives, scissors, matches, knitting needles, nail varnish or nail varnish remover.
* Don’t answer the door but DO answer the phone.
* Don’t dye your hair pink, pierce your ears or pluck your eyebrows (actually, never pluck eyebrows before the age of 21. You’ll spend a lifetime regrowing them, trust me).
* Don’t watch Doctor Who, Hunger Games, the last two Harry Potters or Cbeebies’ In The Night Garden. All of these will give you nightmares.
* Don’t take any medicine.
* Don’t drink the secret stash of Diet Coke or anything else with caffeine in it. A lifetime of dependence that way lies.
* Don’t try on all my shoes, nab any of my handbags or rifle through my jewellery box. These things may look like they are kept in a haphazard pile, but I can assure you I know exactly what’s there.
* Do practise your eye-rolling because it’s getting better by the day.
* Don’t post to Facebook telling everyone you are home alone. I will see it. I have ways.
* Do watch re-runs of Bake-Off, play Minecraft on the computer and stay as close to the sofa as possible. Basically this is “opposite day” so you can do all the things I tell you not to do on a sunny Saturday afternoon.
When I returned from work that day, I asked her how her hour of solitary had gone. “What did you do?” I inquired casually, in my newly developed, probing-but-not-probing, mom-of-a-teenager voice.
She rolled her eyes. “Nothing,” she mumbled.
And so this milestone, another of the many “firsts” moms mark on that mental list of signs they will one day leave you, passed without incident.
From the day she first rolled over as a baby I’ve wondered what on earth it would feel like to finally leave her to look after herself and it is a bittersweet emotion tinged with sadness but also relief. Nothing and everything had happened all in one moment.
* Lorraine Candy is editor-in-chief of Elle magazine.
Daily Mail