QUESTION: Our five-year-old has hero worship of both an older sibling and just about every kid he becomes friends with.
I totally expect that and don't mind it. But how do we encourage them to be themselves when they are so little and just want to be like everyone else? How can parents encourage that as they grow? I don't see it as a problem so much now, but I want to make sure we're helping him to grow as an individual, not a follower. Ideas?
ANSWER: I hear your concern, and I hope to alleviate many of your worries with this column.
First, “hero worship” of friends and family is developmentally appropriate. It is so appropriate, in fact, that we see it cycle in and out throughout a child's life, over and over.
The first time is when the child is about two. A developing child will typically become “like” his caregiver or to whoever he is most deeply attached. If the eldest son loves watching soccer, the two-year-old will love watching soccer. If the big brother loves to eat peas, the little brother will eat peas. If the older brother loves Minecraft, the little brother will want to play Minecraft.
This is pure imitation, devoid of deep meaning or any true sign of individuality. This mimicry is how a child matures. Until he is “himself,” he is like those he loves. Almost every mammal works this way, from baby tigers to dolphins. This is a powerful stage of attachment - critically important, sweet and usually short-lived.
At about three, a child will begin to mimic less and develop opinions. A little girl may have loved broccoli, just like Mom, but at this age, the “no's” begin and take on greater meaning. This isn't just about being tired or hungry; this is about individuation, or the act of becoming separate from the group. This is, again, developmentally normal and healthy. Not to mention very, very tiring.
A child will work on being separate while in a group for quite a while. In fact, some people work on this for a lifetime with varying degrees of success. This is tough human work, this kind of maturation. To be an individual while belonging to a group requires a level of maturity, brainpower, empathy, compassion and inner strength that many of us work our entire lives trying to achieve.
Sometime between the ages of five and seven (and often much later), a child will begin to “grow into himself.”
You will begin to see his own mind, and he will begin to have understanding and empathy. He will start to become more grounded in his opinions, thoughts and feelings. He will become easier to talk to and with, have a greater threshold for patience, and any aggression that was there will begin to slow down.
Not all children will find this balance at these prescribed ages. It is not a given that a child will mature “on schedule,” nor can any parent force this maturation. The growth, the brain, the body: They all spontaneously develop when the time is right.
What does this all mean when it comes to hero worship and your son?
Well, you cannot force him stop adoring his older sibling, nor should you want to. We also want to recogniSe that the fact that your son adores others is a special mandate for you as a parent. It means that you are going to have to pay closer attention to the children and other people in his life. Notice I didn't say “prohibit friendships,” nor did I say “push relationships.” I am talking about awareness. Who is he emulating? How can you influence who comes around your house and your family?
It's great that your eldest child is a role model for him, and although no one is perfect, there is some wonderful growth that can happen around this relationship. When your eldest son disappoints or is not kind, just make room for the sadness. Learning that people we love are not perfect is a painful and great lesson. It will help your five-year-old mature.
As for school, we lose some control there. Your son will follow and pursue some children who will be annoyed by him, tease him and possibly reject him. Your job is not to micromanage these relationships but to instead listen to his tears, hold him close, soothe, comfort and love him. While painful, these rejections help your son.
At the same time, as you wait for his maturation to catch up, you will protect him. He may not be able to do all of the play dates, all of the get-togethers, all of the activities because they may be too wounding and hurtful for him. As parents, we walk the line of allowing pain and suffering to allow the child to grow, but not so much that the child becomes angry and hurt on a daily basis.
Allow the worship of worthy heroes and allow the sadness and disappointment when these heroes inevitably fail, over and over. But stay watchful and aware.
It terms of moving the maturation along or helping your son to find himself, I want to stick to two words: simple and easy.
Spend time with him, playing and using your imagination. What are your son's interests? Is there a glimmer of difference in him from his sibling? Don't seize upon it and make a big deal, which is the surest way to extinguish excitement. Rather, take note and see if you can mix it into life, gently.
When you are telling family stories, speak to how the two children are alike and different. Because your five-year-old will love to hear the “alikes,” go ahead and enjoy this, really spin a tale. And then add a little difference, whether it be physical or emotional. Do it for both. Note how the five-year-old reacts. Does he love the difference? Reject it? Go slow. Simple and easy.
Finally, try not to worry. Maybe your son will be more of a “go with the crowd” kind of kid. Maybe he won't. Neither is good or bad, right or wrong. These are traits and temperaments to just acknowledge, understand and accept. Parent and love the child you have, the one right in front of you. It will be okay.
Washington Post