Washington - Childcare has been my profession and my passion since I was a teenager. Over my years as a nanny and baby nurse in the United States and Britain, I've cared for dozens of kids and advised hundreds of parents. Last year, spurred on by encouragement from former clients and questions from their friends, I even published a well-received book on the philosophy and techniques that have proven best. But until recently, I wasn't sure I'd ever have a child of my own.
More than a few parents looked at me askance when informed of my childless state. Some even asked, or wrote in anonymous comments, “How can you really know all of this if you're not a parent?”
When I became pregnant last year, I realised my story was about to change. Having a child of my own would give me more credibility, but would it alter my philosophy? My approach to childcare has always been rooted in two primary things: prioritizing self-care for parents and love, stability, and boundaries for children. It still is. But even before I gave birth, my pregnancy opened my eyes to how those values sometimes manifest differently in practice with your own children.
1. Everyone talks about pregnancy as having this great glow about it. My pregnancy, however, was tough. I felt guilty for not enjoying it the way I'd imagined I would - and for not being sympathetic enough to the travails of my clients in the past. I now think back on pregnant clients who preferred to stay in bed while I ran around with their toddlers. It used to mystify me, but now I realise it was necessary self-care. In fact, I wish I had done more to help them, even if it was just bringing them crackers. Exhausted and plagued with morning sickness, I myself couldn't get out of bed some days without a handful of cheddar bunnies.
The challenges of pregnancy ended when, around Christmas time, I welcomed a beautiful, healthy baby girl into the world. Ella has filled my heart in a way I didn't think was possible - it's all-consuming.
A few other things have surprised me since she arrived.
2. I've always stressed to other mums the importance of nurturing their spousal relationship. But I fell into the same trap of my newborn becoming my world. It took my mum to point out that I was neglecting my fiancé, Charles, and that I needed to make room for him, too. I have always believed a strong relationship between parents is a foundation of good parenting, but I had not realised the extent to which parents must make deliberate, ongoing choices to prioritise it.
3. I always vowed that I would not bring my baby into my bed, and gently scolded mums for starting the practice. Sleeping with your baby starts a habit that is often difficult to break, not to mention the safety issues associated with co-sleeping. Well, guess what? My precious Ella slept in my bed for the first four weeks. I just needed sleep and would do whatever it took to get it . . . even if it was just an extra 30 minutes. Everyone around me - family, friends, and other childcare professionals - all made remarks like, “What's happened to you?” The answer was simple: I became a mum! Even though sleeping with Ella wasn't ideal, I told myself what I tell clients all the time when I can see they're at their wit's end: “Sometimes you just have to do what you can to get through.”
4. As a nanny, I always knew those were hunger cries. Feeding was another huge lesson. Picture this scenario, which I'm sure is very familiar: Twenty minutes after I've fed Ella, she has a meltdown. I ask myself, Is she still hungry? The nanny in me knows she isn't hungry, because I've just fed her. Nanny Emma knows Ella's tired or gassy, but Mum Emma questions it. “But what if she is hungry? I pumped an hour ago so maybe she didn't get enough from me.” It took focus and really tuning into Ella and watching her cues to see what she was actually asking for - which nine times out of 10 was her bed.
5. I never really understood that guilt thing. Until. The other thing that has crept up on me since becoming a mum is guilt. Where did that come from?! I've never felt guilt with any of my charges, perhaps because my only responsibility was attending to the children. But with my own daughter, I have the house to care for and a company to run. I feel guilty when she spends too much time in the car, or when her awake time has passed and we haven't had a chance to read a story or sing a song.
When the guilt comes on, I focus on conversations I've had with clients about how it's good for children to have a balance between being entertained and entertaining themselves, and to learn to nap in their bed and in the car on the way to run errands. I remind myself of the philosophy underneath those conversations: It's not all about her, and I certainly don't want her to grow up thinking that it is. I know better, but it's still hard.
I've now learned firsthand that you can have a clear eye about child-rearing and still have sleep deprivation and worry fog it over. Now I have a firmer understanding of what my clients go through. I can see how parents without the decades of childcare experience that inform my parenting fall into the traps I see so often. Because I do, too.
But now that I'm a mum, I'm even more sure of my advice than ever. If I ever hire a nanny, I would not hesitate to consider experienced professionals who do not have children of their own. It's as I've always said: It's hard to be objective when you're standing so close. Part of what always made me good at my job was that it wasn't my flesh and blood crying for no discernible reason. Distance allowed me to see things parents could not.
My philosophy has worked too many times to doubt it. Ultimately, Ella started sleeping in her crib at four weeks old. While I may have implemented them differently than I'd imagined, I retained my childcare principles - and gained a bit more empathy to boot. I get how hard it is to be on day after day, night after night. I know exactly how it feels when you just want to cry and pull your covers up over your head.
So, though my advice to parents remains the same, it's delivered in a softer voice for I know firsthand just how tired those parents are, and how much they all just want to do what's right for their children.
Washington Post - Bloomberg
Emma Jenner is a child development specialist and author of Keep Calm And Parent On. She's also known for her role as host of TLC's Take Home Nanny.