London - What makes a good husband? It’s a question I’ve pondered this week as Mr Candy and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary (lace, if you’re interested).
Is it looks (father-of-six Brad Pitt, anyone)? Is it cash (a colleague of mine is adamant it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is with a poor one)? Is it a typical Alpha male (the fantasy combo of James Bond and Bear Grylls)?
I don’t have the answer because I still can’t work out why the world’s tidiest, most logical and patient man married the world’s messiest, most illogical, impatient women all those years ago on a soggy Saturday.
All I know is that a good husband is a precious/useful thing.
Our anniversary passed with minimal fanfare. There was a rushed exchange of cards over a chaotic pre-school breakfast. We didn’t go out (only single people go out on a Monday evening).
Instead we rebelliously agreed to share a bottle of week-night wine at home. But we didn’t even manage that due to the 11-year-old’s lengthy science homework and the two-year-old’s spirited resistance to going to sleep (it’s like grappling an angry Shrek into bed).
The next day my young colleagues asked how we’d celebrated. We didn’t really, I replied, family affairs prevented us.
They looked horrified. One of them gasped.
They seemed dismayed that in an age where statistically fewer people are getting married, we hadn’t pulled out all the stops to mark our lengthy union.
Non-marrieds have such a romantic view of wedlock, I find. They think it’s all fireworks, flowers and dramatic gestures. This is not the reality. Well, it’s not our reality.
However, this reaction to our lacklustre evening predictably prompted me to go home and ask Mr Candy why he hadn’t showered me in diamonds, filled the bath with champagne and served sushi on a bed of rare roses for our 13th.
“It’s what David Beckham would do,” I said.
He looked confused. “We’re happy as we are,” he said, and went back to wrestling the stubborn toddler into her onesie.
And on this occasion he is right. We are, indeed, happy.
The things that make a good husband are more subtle than extravagant gestures, I told myself as I tried not to think about diamonds and roses. A marriage is made up of a million little moments, not a few big ones, sewn together by the almost invisible threads of daily life.
Mr Candy and I have survived a rollercoaster decade of sleep deprivation while parenting four children. Frankly, I silently celebrate when we reach the end of the day with everyone still alive.
This year alone we’ve stuck together through the death of a close relative and a chaotic house move, two well-documented marriage-wreckers. We’ve even battled through the unbearable stress of trying to get BT to transfer a phone number - a challenge that would test the closest of couples.
We don’t have the perfect marriage. Who does?
I still want to clock him over the head with a saucepan every time he re-stacks the dishwasher I have hastily filled.
I will always explode with fury every time I catch him drinking milk straight from the bottle. His manic recycling drives me crazy.
I take his insistence on straightening a loaf after I’ve cut a slice for toast as a personal insult, and I fear Mabel may have learnt the word “idiot” after listening to our noisy bickering.
But none of that matters. It’s an equal partnership. I really don’t need big gestures marking our milestones. Truthfully I don’t, because the everyday gestures are more important.
He’s a great dad - I don’t know a man on earth who has read The Smelly Sprout to a two-year-old as often as this man has. There isn’t a better spider-catcher and no one makes a tastier bread pudding.
These are qualities I would not have put on my husband wishlist as a Bridget-Jones-style singleton.
But if you marry the world’s messiest, most illogical, impatient woman, it turns out they are vital.
I know I couldn’t enjoy my career and be a working mom without the support of a man with these talents.
Honestly, I don’t know how he does it. - Daily Mail
* Lorraine Candy is the editor-in-chief of Elle.