London – When Leonie Toal arrives at her office every morning, she applies a slick of lipstick in the ladies’, makes herself a coffee and settles down at her desk to go through her emails. Then she breathes a huge sigh of relief.
Because Leonie sees her demanding job as marketing manager at a major electronics company as a blissful antidote to the frenzied activity at home.
For, as a mother of two young children, she rises at 6am every day and spends three hours – until the school run is over – in a blur of spilt breakfast cereal, lost clothing and boisterous bickering.
“I love getting into the office each day,” says Leonie, 42, of Buckinghamshire, who has two sons, eight-year-old Finn and Mylo, six.
“Being at home can be very stressful. The house is usually in chaos, and juggling the boys’ constant demands with mountains of washing and other housework is exhausting.
“Work is the one time when I get to put on heels and lipstick and feel like myself again. I worked very hard over many years to build a successful career, and I’m appreciated for my knowledge and skills.
For Leonie it is the office rather than home that is a refuge; work is where she feels valued and less anxious, and can escape the stress of meeting her children’s needs and the endless cycle of cooking and cleaning.
And she is far from alone. New research suggests that feeling more content in the workplace than at home is becoming the norm – particularly among women.
A study by scientists at Pennsylvania State University in the US measured the levels of the stress hormone cortisol in a group of workers throughout the day, using saliva swabs.
While both men and women were found to be less stressed at work, men showed only a moderate difference. In women the contrast was stark.
When questioned, the majority of men said they felt happier at home, but most women said the opposite.
Clinical psychologist Dr Fin Williams, who runs the Parent Perspectives organisation that helps people adapt to parenthood, believes the shift from home as a sacred sanctuary to a place of stress can be blamed on the increasing demands on women.
For although the majority of women now have careers, they also shoulder more of the domestic burden than most men.
“Women are doing more than ever,” says Dr Williams. “Statistics show that they do nearly twice as much work in the home, including childcare and domestic chores, even when both work full-time. That can be very stressful.
“Women are having children later in life, which means they’ve often built a successful career beforehand and can find being at home with children more difficult. They’re also having their children closer together.
“They’re less likely to live near extended family, too, so the community support they’d once have relied on isn’t there. All these factors add up to increased stress in the home.
“As a result, women can find going to work restorative, as it gives them space to think and the chance to be challenged and rewarded in another way.”
Marie Evans also regards her time in the office as a vital respite from the pressures of being at home with her children, Tommy, seven, and Oliver, six.
The 40-year-old, from St Albans, Hertfordshire, works full-time as head of accounts for a pharmaceutical company.
In 2010, her husband Paul took a break from his job in horticulture and now works two days a week at a local infants’ school, meaning he can cover most of the childcare.
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I’m so grateful to Paul. He enjoys being at home, and he’s great with the boys. He’s more patient than me, and they listen to him more.
“I still find it stressful being at home with them. At work, you can focus on one challenge and hopefully reach a positive solution, but children want everything on their terms and you can’t negotiate.
“In the car on the way to work, I feel a sense of freedom. My children will always come first, and I make sure I’m always there for assemblies and doctor’s appointments, but I love my job because I need that time to be me.
“Like most working mums, though, I still feel guilty about admitting it.’
Dr Williams believes this sense of guilt is another reason many women feel happier at work – where their brains are occupied with the day’s tasks – than at home with mundane activities, which allow them more space to question their choices.
“Unfortunately, we still live in a society which judges women, whether they’ve chosen to stay at home or to go to work, and the guilt that creates adds to the stress women feel,’ she says.
“Women who admit to finding childcare exhausting or boring, and to needing time to focus on themselves, are often seen not to be devoting themselves to their children in the way they should. This is extremely unfair.’
It is a view echoed by Hayley Gelkoff, 39, of Hainault, Essex, who gave up her busy and rewarding job as a fashion buyer for House of Fraser when she had her first child, Aaron, now eight.
Hayley, who also has a daughter Ella, four, and is married to David, a recruitment consultant, now works as an office manager four days a week.
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At work, everything’s civilised and nobody’s screaming and shouting. If I do a good job, my boss tells me, whereas children never appreciate what you do for them. Mine tell me they love me, but then five minutes later they’re demanding something else and sulking if they don’t get it.
“I love my time with my children each evening, but those couple of hours of cooking, washing and running around after them are enough. I don’t feel guilty. I need to escape from it for my sanity.”
The key to making home a calmer place for women lies in sharing the work more equally between the sexes, Dr Williams says.
“We need to acknowledge that, for women, being at home can be very stressful and let go of the stigma attached to saying that,” she says. “If we stop expecting women to be perfect and to juggle several roles without complaint, we can accept we need to find a way to share the role better.”
Daily Mail