QUESTION: My daughter is almost seven and began tearfully reporting a few weeks ago that no one plays with her at school; no one likes her; even our dog doesn't pay attention to her.
She is typically gregarious and cheerful, and I was startled enough by her admission that I met with her teacher, who said our daughter is as happy and extroverted as ever. I also asked a few other parents who see her during the school day, and they said she's always chatting and playing with others.
Our daughter does have a strong (read: bossy) personality, and I wonder if some kids are getting tired of her “direction.” I have noticed her cousins getting a bit exasperated with her, and my daughter said they leave her out sometimes.
So I don't know how to reconcile the weepy kid I see every night and the happy kid that I and others observe. Thus far I am empathetic, mainly listening and reassuring her that this will pass and she is loved, but I wonder if I'm actually encouraging self-pity. Thoughts?
ANSWER: I can imagine your frustration here. What is being said is not what is being reflected, and this is confounding for parents. The teacher says one thing, the child shows another. How do we read the tea leaves here?
As our children get older, scenarios like this become more common. The child's interior world becomes more complicated, convoluted and private. It's common for parents to assume that the child may not be “telling the truth” or “manipulating them” with these whiny complaints, but I am going to urge parents to take a look at these behaviours with another perspective.
Your daughter is going to show her frustration and tears with the person to whom she is most closely connected (you). The teacher is going to see the sunny, happy, brave side of your daughter, and it is going to be that way for a while. We, as adults, are the same. Even when we are grieving a loss, or feeling off and sad, we put on a happy face for our co-workers or the PTA acquaintances. We will save all of our emotions and tears for the person we're closest to, like our spouse or partner.
Our kids are like this, and even more so. If your daughter is feeling left out, sad or frustrated, she is working really hard to keep it all in. Her young brain is doing the best it can to handle all of these emotions, so by the time the feelings come out they can feel like an explosion. You feel blindsided by these big emotions, but what can you do?
First, understand that this is a healthy and normal dynamic. When you lessen your parental panic about what you are seeing, you can begin to find your own confidence and can be there for your daughter. You are strong enough and you are the person creating a safe space for her to let these feelings out.
Second, accept that life hands our children some tough lessons. For instance, if your daughter has some strong leadership qualities (read: bossiness), the children around her will begin to leave her out of activities. They will stop including her and may even go out of their way to be unkind. Is this okay? Well, I don't like it either, but it is one of the rules of human friendships: not kind, no time.
Am I suggesting that you just allow your child to “learn her lesson” and suffer here? No.
There are a couple of simple ways to support her growth and maturation:
Start limiting her interaction with some of the friends and cousins. And when you are there, lead the play and interaction a little more strongly. A big mistake many parents make is saying, “The kids will figure this out if I leave it alone.” But all this does is allow more time and space for meanness, hurt feelings and miscommunication. Young children can't often be trusted to kindly lead each other, solve problems or speak nicely to each other. Instead, they break up into “sides” and “teams.” So pay attention to the dynamic and gently steer your child out of the bossy position. You can really do this only if you are there, so make yourself available. I (can almost) promise this will not last forever.
The other thing you need to do (which you are already doing beautifully) is allow all of these tears to come out. Don't try to “teach” her anything in the midst of upset. (The brain can't absorb it.) On your own, find some good books about bossiness and being on both sides of it (I am thinking of the some the Ramona Quimby books), read with your daughter and see what comes of it. Ask more questions and do more listening than wisdom-giving. “Geez, this character in the book is so mad! Why do you think she's angry?” and “How would you feel if you were her?” You may not get the answers you want here, but it will give a window into your daughter's maturity. Can she have empathy for other children? Is she still pretty stuck in her worldview? Let these conversations inform you, not act as dictations or transmissions of your wisdom.
So, to wrap it up in a neat little bow (ha!), allow all the feelings without fixing, limit her playtime with her peers, but when she does play with them, lead them strongly and gently, and begin to read to her and talk about scenarios. Be gentle, be patient and, as always, be loving.
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