QUESTION: There's just no way to ever question a friend's parenting choices, is there?
I recently spent four days with an old college friend and discovered they are a spanking family. I have really never spent much time with people spanking their children, and it was so distressing to me. It seemed so punitive, cruel and, perhaps most important, ineffective.
Her nearly three-year-old received daily spankings while I was there, mostly for “not following directions.” I just felt as though this child was set up to fail as she had meltdowns at bedtime each night (resulting in multiple spankings), which (shockingly) did not stop the meltdowns.
It was so counter to everything I have seen with children, and yet I know it is a choice parents make and I just couldn't think how to even broach the subject with my friend. Is there ever a way to gently question parenting choices with love?
ANSWER: “Is there ever a way to gently question parenting choices with love?” Well... errr, ummmm, maybe?
This question is about as loaded as they come.
It wasn't too long ago, in American culture, that you would have been the odd man out in this scenario. Spanking was (and is, in many places) the predominant form of discipline. Spanking was seen as the way to help a child “learn his lessons.” Spanking also clearly demonstrated who was in charge. The order of power was clear, and when the child challenged this order, discipline (spanking) was applied. When the child stepped out of line or tried something dangerous, he was spanked. If he mouthed off to his parents, he was spanked. If he didn't eat what was served for dinner: spanked.
In most cases, spanking was meant to be a swat on the bottom, and mostly given to younger children. This swat was meant less to hurt the child than to drive home a lesson. It was also meant to bring the child to the point of tears. The tears would signify to the parents (all instinctively, mind you) that change had occurred. In the best-case scenario, a spanking would usually involve a parent who was in control of his or her emotions. There wouldn't be an overwhelming sense of shame, vengeance or anger in the act. It would feel cursory, quick and slightly impersonal.
While this may sound somewhat acceptable to reasonable people, spankings can easily slip right into beatings. Being hit with objects, being hit in the face, being whipped far after any lesson is learned or felt - these acts are another issue altogether. This is abuse. Beatings are a sign that the parent has lost the control he so dearly wants to keep (though never had to begin with). This is pure anger and violence, and there is nothing to be gained for the child or the parent.
From paediatricians to developmentalists to therapists to children's specialists, spankings and beatings are now understood to be a counterproductive way to help children grow into mature adults. And beyond their counterproductive nature, spankings and physical punishments have been shown to cause anxiety and depression. Not only does physical punishment not help children mature, it also serves to hinder emotional growth and strength.
Back to your college friends: They see spanking as a form of discipline that clearly makes sense. (They were probably spanked as children, and spanking probably works just enough for them to think it is a good idea with their own child, all evidence to the contrary.)
Here is the real sticky wicket with physical punishment: It works amazingly well when you want short-term results. Nothing beats, for lack of a better term, a beating to make a child “respect” authority.
Fear is a powerful tool and easily wielded by adults, who are both bigger and stronger. But all of the neuroscience studies and longitudinal psychological studies, and heck, our own lives and truths, have clearly shown us the long-term results of a fear-dominated house. We know the physical punishment is the cheap way out. Deep down, parents (even the parents who defend spankings to the end) know that striking a child is a sign of lack of control, not authority. It is a sign of weakness, not strength. It is a sign of callousness, not compassion.
And when you combine fear-based punishment with the immaturity of a two-year-old (she's a baby, really), you get a whole lot of misery. If a child this young could control herself, she would. If she could prevent her own meltdowns, she would. These are not willpower issues. Theses are developmentally normal behaviours. We cannot truly spank them out of child. We can manage them, divert them, ignore them, understand them and love a child through these behaviours, but you cannot beat the meltdown out of a child.
When a child is spanked for a meltdown, the brain will eventually learn it is not okay to express big, ugly feelings. The funny thing with these feelings is that they have to go somewhere. The body and brain will literally hold on to them. For days, months, years or decades, if necessary. You don't spank a child out of behaviours. You spank a child into fear. Of you, the parent. And most tragically, children can come to not trust their own deep emotions and feelings (which is the essence of being a fully mature human).
As for your friend, it is most important to do more listening and less talking in these situations. Anything that begins to sound like judgment or a lecture will probably create defensiveness in your friend, and that will shut down communication. You can help her if she asks for help or it comes about naturally. If she says, “Man, little Susie is SO HARD,” offer an empathic ear and say something like: “Do you wonder if spankings make things better or worse?” If your friend expresses guilt or worry, you can say, “Yes, spanking doesn't seem to be helping, but there are other ways to help your toddler.” You can mention some great parenting classes nearby or a peaceful parenting book (such as anything by Laura Markham). As much as you can, keep the lines of communication open.
I believe all parents want the best for their children. The spanking parents, the parents who beat their children, all of them. So, remain supportive and loving, and do your best to keep your judgment from getting in the way of your compassion. Good luck.
Washington Post
* Meghan Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor’s degree in English and secondary education, a master’s degree in school counselling and is a certified parent coach.