Dear Prudence,
My five-year-old son recently had a playdate at the house of a kindergarten friend of his. When my wife picked him up, the friend's mother explained that the two boys had gotten dirty playing in the sprinkler, and so she had given him a bath.
My jaw dropped when I found out. I quizzed my son and apparently no other adults were present, no cameras were seen, and she did not touch his privates. He had fun and did not seem bothered by the bath.
Nevertheless, I am upset that a stranger would strip my child and bathe him without first checking with us.
My wife thinks that this can be explained as a cultural difference as the friend's parents are immigrants, and that the mother was trying to be respectful.
I want to put the kibosh on the relationship. What would you suggest?
Upset
Dear Upset,
You didn't mention that you also checked your son for any telltale scars that would indicate that he'd had a kidney extracted for sale on the black market.
This is the story of two dirty little boys who took a bath and emerged as two clean little boys. That's it, so I suggest you simply be grateful this mother didn't send your son home covered in mud and grass stains.
I know, Dad, that horrible things do happen and when they do they make the news and freak people out. But what doesn't make the news are the endless benign daily interactions that fortunately make up the lives of most of the people around you.
I hope that your grilling your son about his happy playdate didn't lead your boy to feel he'd done something wrong or that something wrong was done to him. What you must do is check your anxiety and your impulse to put fear into your child.
Of course he needs to know about private parts and inappropriate touching. But since nothing untoward happened, how sad and confusing for your son if a bath at a classmate's house ends a promising friendship. You may think that you can't be too careful, but you're demonstrating that you can.
Prudie
* Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist, using the name Prudence. Please send your questions for publication to [email protected]. Questions may be edited.
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