QUESTION: Even though they had broken up after six months, my son and his girlfriend, a single mother, occasionally slept together.
Now she's pregnant. My son wants her to have an abortion, but she refuses.
We dislike this woman intensely. She lives three hours away from us - and yet we can't abandon a child who'll be part of our family. She says my son needn't have a role in the child's life, but my son feels obliged to take some responsibility, even though he's just starting out in life with a new job far away.
His life will be ruined by one night of stupidity. What can we do?
Yours sincerely,
Peter and Barbara
ANSWER: I sympathise. And, like you, my first reaction would be to put my head in my hands and stuff wool in my ears to stop the sound of the crashing of thunder and the resounding of the word “ruined!”
But I hope that by now you've got over that stage and realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do except adapt your lives to fit this new development.
Let's start with that word “ruined”. Your son's life isn't ruined. It's changed. Yes, it has changed rather drastically, and it's a change that will affect him for the rest of his life, but for all you know, this child my grow up to be a glorious addition to his - and your - lives, and fill you with purpose and pride. Unlikely, I know, but don't rule it out.
Next, be proud of yourselves for bringing up a son with such good values. It's not all young men who feel they ought to take responsibility for their offspring - even when they're divorced. So you can pat yourselves - and him - on the back for his deciding to do the right thing. He's not going to abandon the baby. He may not see it daily, but I hope he will be a constant, even if distant, presence in his or her life. The child will have a father.
And of course you're right. You can't abandon this woman. You say you dislike her intensely. Fine, you can't stop doing that. But you must find some good things about her and dwell on them. It is possible, even with people you dislike intensely, to love a bit of them. And if you concentrate on those aspects, your loving feelings can grow. I do believe it is possible, if you try hard enough, to force yourself to like someone you hate, at least a little bit.
And the way to do this is to get to know them better. Ask her round. Ask her about herself, her hopes, her fears. Ask her about her childhood. Try, if you possibly can, to understand how she ticks. On the whole, people aren't vile without there being some good reason behind it - trying to take revenge for some slight they received in their childhood, deep-seated insecurity, a feeling of hopeless inadequacy? Imagine yourself as her therapeutic counsellor and imagine her as a horrible child who's been brought to you by her despairing parents. Try to win her trust and analyse why she is the way she is.
She can't be totally awful, after all, or your son wouldn't have gone out with her even for a few months.
Years on, you may still hate her. But you must learn to love something about her, not in a dippy “Love conquers all” way, true as this may be, but for practical reasons - not only for your son's sake, but also for that of your grandchild.
The Independent