Dear Civilities:
My wife and I have two children in elementary school. Other parents often ask personal questions about how our family was formed, such as whether we adopted or used a sperm bank, who carried our children, who the real mom is, etc.
Our children's classmates have repeated inappropriate comments their parents made at home about our family.
Mind you, all the questions are from people we barely know. People seem to think it's OK to ask any gay person how they had their children. Everyone has the right to their opinions but not to the point of insulting our family in school.
How can we maintain cordial relationships with other families at the school while allowing our children and ourselves to receive respect?
Nicole, City withheld
Answer:
I hear the seething in your question, so let me start there. Of course, it's intrusive for near strangers to be asking such personal questions about your family. What business is it to them? Who ever asks straight couples such questions? (Even though nosy parkers can be insensitive to anyone!) OK, that's the outraged, empathic part of my answer.
Here's another way to look at all these queries about your family: Even in 2014, gay families may still be a novelty for neighbours, friends and relatives.
Sure, there are millions of same-sex families out there, and lesbian moms went Hollywood in 2010 with The Kids Are All Right, but I'd guess that many of your straight acquaintances are newbies at this. Their questions probably reflect an authentic curiosity and a wish to understand you and your family better. (Some may even want to share their own choices or obstacles.)
Like it or not, you are an ambassador of sorts, the first “case study” in LGBT families for many people. Be patient and give them the opportunity to learn - and then to do better next time.
One approach is to answer any questions simply and honestly. A lesbian mother gave me two reasons for that: “One, to educate. Two, to show my kids that there's nothing secret or shameful about their alternative conception.” Keep that in mind when confronted with a question while your kids are within earshot: The more matter-of-fact your answer, the less “different” your children will feel themselves to be.
If you don't feel comfortable with that stance, try replying to any such inquiry with “That's an interesting question - why do you ask?” That usually stops the line of questioning cold, while drawing out information such as “We're considering adoption ourselves” or “We're looking for recommendations on in vitro fertilisation clinics.” Knowing what prompts a question helps you find the right tone for answering it.
Keeping your children at the forefront is a good idea as you choose your answer, because they're in school every day, and you'll be at PTA meetings, fundraisers, teacher conferences and other events on a regular basis. As frustrating as intrusive questions may be, boiling over doesn't help your children. One mother cautions: “You're with this school community for a while and making friends with at least some of them is a good thing.”
In fact, if you haven't done so already, I'd suggest being proactive and talking with the principal and your kids' teachers now (while the school year is just getting under way) to make sure they understand the make-up of your family. With any luck, that will prompt them to be inclusive in the ways they talk about families, possibly even including books such as “And Tango Makes Three” (about two male penguins who are “a little bit different” and want to be parents) on the reading list. It won't be long before you get to the usual Mother's Day/Father's Day conundrums, so best to nip these issues earlier in the school year. And stay active: Show up regularly at meetings and conferences so that you're “modelling” what a family with two moms looks like. You'll wear off your “novelty” status in no time.
Now, a final word to my inquisitive readers, those who are pondering such questions about your friendly neighbourhood gay and lesbian parents: boundaries. Before you ask any questions, ask yourself these two: “Why am I asking?” and “Why does that information matter to me?” I'll bet you'll then move on to other, more relevant questions, such as how much to pay the babysitter or how your school is handling the new curriculum. Or, I hope you will.
* Petrow is the author of “Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners.”
* Civilities is a column in The Washington Post covering LGBT and straight etiquette.
Washington Post