Durban - The experience of grandparenting varies from generation to generation and from culture to culture. In previous generations, grandparents were more likely to live under the same roof as their grandchildren and this may have allowed them to play a more active role in their grandchildren’s lives.
Often grandparents provide child care, financial assistance and emotional support. In special circumstances, they are called upon to provide much more, including temporary or full-time care.
Special circumstances could arise through factors such as the following:
* increasing numbers of single-parent families;
* the high rate of divorce;
* teenage pregnancies;
* HIV/Aids;
* imprisonment of parents;
* substance abuse by parents;
* death or disability of parents;
* parental abuse and neglect.
A number of grandparents are not prepared psychologically, financially and in other ways when these unexpected responsibilities are thrust upon them – just at a time when they are starting to simplify their lives and slow down. Not surprisingly, a number of these grandparents complain to friends about their feelings of loss and resentment.
The culture shock of having to deal with children and adolescents of a different generation often adds to their stress.
Many children living with grandparents arrive with already-existing problems or risk factors, including abuse, neglect, prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, and loss of parents through death or abandonment. These situations can create various kinds of risks.
On the other hand, grandparenting can be a very positive and rewarding experience.
To a child, grandparents can be wonderful people. They have time for playing games and taking walks, they know stories the child hasn’t heard before, they bring gifts and cook special treats, they tell what Mom or Dad was like when little, and they remember far-off days when they themselves were children.
An easy relationship with the grandchildren is the best part of being a grandparent, but it often leads to tension and conflict with the parents. The parents may complain that the grandparents spoil the children, undermine parental authority, insist on their old-fashioned ideas, stir up trouble between husband and wife and keep getting in the way.
When faced with such a situation, I find it useful to arrange a joint meeting with the parents and grandparents. I point out that methods of child rearing have changed greatly over the past 30 years or so, and adjustments and compromises need to be made to accommodate these changes.
I also point out that although it is unacceptable to follow the advice of grandparents slavishly, it is also unwise for parents to reject it simply because it comes from them. Ultimately, parents need to remind themselves that raising the children is their job, to be done according to their own best judgement.
Raising your children’s children can be stressful
By and large, the better grandparents are able to care for themselves, the better they can fulfil the demands of being a caregiver.
In addition to eating right and getting plenty of rest and exercise, the following suggestions will be helpful:
* Do something you enjoy.
* Talk out your problems. with friends or a counsellor
* Don’t dwell too much on the past or look too far ahead: take things one day at a time.
* Don’t be afraid to say “no”.
* Let those you are caring for do as much for themselves as possible.
* Accept reality: see things as they are and not how you wish them to be.
* Let go of hurtful thoughts and self-pity.
* Avoid isolation: maintain friendships, even if it means doing so through phone calls.
* Set limits and stick to them, but remember to give the kids a voice in setting limits. They need a chance to tell you what they think. Even a child of five or six can talk with you and help you set fair limits. When kids help you make rules, they are more likely to obey them.
Congratulate yourself for the good work you’re doing – making a difference in your grandchild’s life by giving him/her the chance to be a safe, loved and nurtured child. - Daily News
* Ramphal is an educational psychologist with special interests in career counselling and the learning and behaviour problems of children and adolescents. Visit www.ramphaledupsych.co.za