QUESTION: Every morning as my husband gets up and gets ready for work, our six-year-old son wakes up screaming and crying that he wants Daddy to hold him.
This can go on for quite some time. Sometimes Daddy has time to stop and hold him, but most of the time my husband is already stressed about the day ahead and has to go to work. Even when he does stop to give a hug or hold, my son expects him to hold him for long periods of time, which is not an option.
No one likes being awakened by a screaming child in the morning, and I do not want him so upset over something that is going to happen every day. After going through this for months, we have taken away privileges, but that works for only a day or two. We have talked to him. I hug him and hold him, but then the behavioUr starts all over again. Anything else we can do to end the madness? Thank you.
ANSWER: Why does a six-year-old cling? Many parents think, “Hey, this child is not two years old anymore. This kind of behaviour should not be happening!” Or “My husband is hugging my son, what else does he want?
So, let's take it back to when your son was just a little baby.
He was born to be attached to you and your husband; all the potential was there. His brain was ready to connect and grow. You stepped into the role and became the parents your son needed.
Well done.
But this need to attach, while intense in the baby years, does not go away as the child grows older. And many parents mistake the natural developmental process as a cue that “the kid is okay. We can back off.”
What's actually happening is it's not the same type of connection (constant holding, vigilant protection, feeding and changing). But he still needs a connection, and he needs you to fulfill that.
And while your husband's pushback may be subtle, children are experts at reading body language and tone. They feel every emotion you are having.
So at this moment in his life, your son can sense that your husband is not fully “there.” You see him as busy and needing to go to work. Your son sees him as not wanting to spend time with him.
When the child senses that Dad is wanting to get away from him, his brain goes into a panic mode. “Stay with me! Stay with me! Stay with me!” And literal leg-clutching ensues. We would like the 6-year-old to be able to speak to himself and say, “Whoa, buddy, calm down, Daddy has to go to work. Shelve your needs!”
This is not going to happen.
And as your husband's frustration grows, he tries to get more space away from your son. It's natural. But the more your son is pushed away, the more he will pursue Dad. Dad pushes away; child explodes. Repeat the next day.
There are a couple of things that you can do right now, though, to help bring some ease to this sticky situation.
1. Stop taking things away. When Dad leaves, your child gets sad and frustrated. This is inconvenient, so you take things away. But that just makes your son sadder and more frustrated. This punishment is exacerbating the panic and frustration. Also, in general, if a tactic isn't working, stop going there.
2. Both parents need to commit to being fully there when you are there. So it could look like this: Dad has 15 minutes in the morning to spend with little Ralphie. For a full 15 minutes, Dad and Ralphie lie on the floor, building with Legos. Dad uses strong eye contact and smiles. This tells Ralphie's young brain, “Dad is paying attention.” This is a potent form of connection and love. It relaxes all human brains, especially children's. No phones, no devices. Total attention.
3. When it is time to go, Ralphie might cry. Why? Because he wants to stay with Dad. And this is a good thing. He loves the connection; why would he want it to end? This is not misbehaviour; this is an appropriate response to his impulses that tell him to stay with one of the people who mean most to him in this world. So, Dad should go ahead and hug him. Murmur loving words. Tell Ralphie he cannot wait to see him at 6pm, agree that this is sad. Allow him to bring something to school that means something to both Dad and Ralphie. A little lovey, a Lego man, a stuffed animal. It will give him something to hang on to when he is without Dad.
4. When Dad sees him next, he should embrace him and engulf him with love, with more attention than he needs. More attention than feels necessary. Ralphie will start to relax. And you know what happens when he feels relaxed? He stops the leg-clutching. He trusts that Dad is taking care of the connection, and Ralphie can stop fighting for it.
None of this will look perfect all of the time. Your family will find what works. Ralphie will test waters, parents will flounder, feelings will be hurt, confusion will be had.
That's okay.
The main message needs to be that the parents are in charge of the connection, not Ralphie.
Washington Post