Longing to be a stay-at-home mother

Published Mar 2, 2004

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By Mojalefa Mashego

It is now four months since Rebecca Radebe returned to work, and although she'd rather be home with her five-month old daughter, she has to keep her job if she is to survive.

Radebe is a personal assistant at a bank. The 33-year-old Sowetan also has a nine-year-old son. She is one of a growing number of South African women who, despite having young children to take care of, is forced to work.

At one time, women were expected to take care of the home while men would go out "hunting" so as to provide for their wives and children. Not any more, it seems.

According to the Human Sciences Research Council and a study by the United Nations Fund for Development of Women, women's participation in the labour market increased significantly in the final decade of the last century.

With the introduction of the Employment Equity Act of 1998, the South African government has been making a concerted effort to address a legacy of discrimination on the basis of race, gender and disability.

Thus, it is a legal requirement for employers to achieve gender equity in the workplace, which means more women are being enticed to find employment.

However, this happens at a time when internationally career women are increasingly quitting their jobs to spend more time at home with their children.

Will the demise of the stay-at-home mom in South Africa have any psychological effect on the parents and children concerned?

Psychologist Corlene Olivier says the first two years are the most important in a child's development. It's crucial, she thinks, for a mother to be around.

Although it is a hard decision, the individual mother has to make a choice depending on her personal circumstances.

"It makes a big difference when a child learns from her mother from an early age instead of a nanny who is there to do a job. The balance between love and learning makes it easier for the child," she says.

"On the other hand, if the mom is a career woman, it is advisable to take the child to a nursery school where she will be taken care of (by professionals)."

Giving advice on www.bluesuitmom.com, a website for working mothers, success coach Natalie Gahrmann agrees, saying mothers should find effective ways to integrate work with their social lives.

Gahrmann owns N-R-G Coaching Associates, an American-based private coaching company that specialises in helping working parents cope.

She says: "Prioritising and organising both at work and home will be of utmost importance. In addition, planning and anticipating will support you in your new role as a working parent.

"Ensure you have adequate sleep, nutritious meals and exercise to keep up your energy and wellness."

Although she has a nanny who takes care of her baby while she is at work, Radebe still feels guilty for not being there for the child.

"I'd certainly love to be home and bring up my baby, but as it stands, it is almost impossible as one has to make ends meet.

"Although I have a nanny who stays with us, I often worry about my child's wellbeing," she says, adding that this should not be interpreted as meaning she does not trust the nanny.

Gahrmann advises: "Let go of the guilt. Guilt comes from a lot of places for working moms. Many fret about leaving their baby behind and missing precious moments of his/her childhood.

"Others feel guilty because they crave the stimulation and fulfilment they receive from working and the adult interaction it provides. So, regardless of whether you are returning to work for financial reasons or for your own sanity, consciously be in choice about your work.

"You may not be able to control everything, but you can control your attitude, behaviour and emotions. Working does not change how you feel about your baby, so don't beat yourself up about it.

Radebe's typical day starts as early as 5am, when the baby wakes for breastfeeding.

"At the same time I have to prepare my son for school and have to be ready for work myself. It's just difficult to leave," she says, adding that she makes up for the weekdays by trying to spend as much time with her children and husband at the weekend.

Gahrmann advises: Separate work and home.

"Avoid letting the overriding topic for every conversation you have at work be about your new baby. It's okay to talk about the baby and show pictures, but don't overdo it. Also, don't fret about work while you are home.

The success coach adds that mothers should learn from other moms who've gone back to work. "They will be your best teachers. Seek out those who are either going through, or have been through the same predicament."

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