London - Marriage exists in many states. There are those that are blissfully happy and content, and those that have broken down so irretrievably that they are headed for the divorce courts.
And then, somewhere in the middle, are the “semi-happy marriages”.
These are the unions where couples coast along in affectionate but passionless relationships - their situation not bad enough to want out, not good enough to bring any real joy.
These marriages are the subject of a new book, Marriage Confidential, that has been causing quite a stir in America.
When author Pamela Haag began feeling disenchanted with her marriage, she decided to talk to other couples, and found that nearly all of them admitted to being disappointed with how married life had panned out for them. More surprising still was the fact that the majority - often successful, high-achievers - had simply resigned themselves to being in a “so-so” marriage.
It is a marital state with which millions of people will be familiar - and it is where Su and Andrew Lyell found themselves six years ago.
Their marriage had drifted into predictable routine. Gone were the days of staying up talking all night, romantic candlelit meals and lying in bed on a Sunday morning reading the newspapers.
“We had lost sight of what first brought us together, took each other for granted and, at times, found one another boring, even annoying,” says Su, 51, who is a partner in a management consultancy in London,
“The practicalities and routine of life slowly began to wear us down. When we first married, there seemed so much to say to each other. Gradually, you lose that ability to talk in-depth about your feelings and your aspirations. Conversation begins to revolve around mundane plans and domestic duties.”
Su and Andrew’s problems were exacerbated by the fact that she travelled a lot with her job, meaning long periods apart.
She says: “Our marriage wasn’t unravelling, but we were losing the fun and spontaneity of our early relationship. We’d settled into boring, domestic routine, which can be the death knell of so many marriages.”
Su and Andrew, 55, a former RAF officer, have been together for 21 years and married for 15. Andrew had been married before, but this is Su’s first marriage. There were initial tensions as Su - who never wanted children - adjusted to the role of stepmother to Andrew’s daughter, Emma, now 27.
Su’s frequent absences put added pressure on the marriage. So, in 2005, after Andrew left the RAF, they decided to take a long, hard look at what they admit had become a “semi-happy” relationship to see whether they could fix it.
The solution was to take a year off together and travel the world in a camper van.
Su says: “We’d reached the point of co-existing, and realised we needed to shake our marriage out of that. We went to Europe, Australia and New Zealand, spending 24 hours a day together. It was extremely challenging. Would our marriage survive?
“In fact, we had so much time and freedom to talk, and to experience new things together, that the trip totally brought it alive again.”
Su and Andrew managed to shake their semi-happy marriage out of a rut - not something many couples even attempt. For the semi-happy marriage is all too often the inevitable end-point of a union in which neither husband nor wife is vigilant about where the relationship is heading.
After speaking to more than 2,000 couples, Haag discovered that many couples are caught in what she calls the “post-romantic era” of a marriage. They love their partner, but they’re not sure if they like them any more.
Haag argues that the dynamic of marriage has changed since the Fifties, when the majority of women did not work and could devote themselves to their marriages and pleasing their husbands.
Husbands kept their marriage alive by giving their wives flowers, complimenting them and treating them to new dresses and meals out, for which they were grateful.
Haag explains: “Today, our expectations have changed. There are more marriages now that seek the stable over the sublime, for whom ‘semi-happy’ will just about do. They exist in a kind of limbo, wondering if they would be happier apart.”
In a faster-paced world where both partners are often working, it seems that semi-happy marriages have become the norm. Cary Cooper, Professor of Psychiatry at Lancaster University and president of the relationship counselling organisation Relate, says keeping a marriage afloat is more difficult than ever.
He says: “We live in an age where we are trying to bring up children, both work full-time, run a home, and cope with the ups and downs of a relationship. Fifty years ago, women didn’t work full-time if at all. Couples didn’t move around so much - so they have now lost the support of extended family.
“It’s a myth that we have a personal right to be almost permanently happy. Life is not like that.”
Long-standing marriages aren’t the only kind that get stuck in a rut. The “not-that-happy, not-that-unhappy” state of mind can afflict relatively new couples, too, often starting when the initial romance has been replaced by the less intoxicating realities of married life.
Donna and Jim Round - both 28 - have only been married for three years and don’t yet have children, but they already classify their marriage as “semi-happy”. Money is tight, they are in rented accommodation, and both work hard in full-time jobs, so sometimes fun is in short supply.
Donna, who works in sales, says she and Jim, a public relations executive, have been arguing more frequently since they got married.
“We met and married within a year, then moved away from our friends and family in the West Midlands to live in Brighton so Jim could do some DJ-ing work there, which has been hard for me,” she says.
“There are nights when we’re both tired, and we bicker over the dinner table. Life becomes a vicious circle - we’re both working hard to earn money, then we’re tired, and we end up arguing about money and I wonder where the fun has gone.”
Donna and Jim are new to married life, but what hope is there for those in longer-standing relationships?
The decades-long slog of marriage can leave both parties in a state of emotional inertia, or render them so disillusioned they see no way out of their rut. Turning a semi-happy marriage back into a happy one seems like an impossible dream.
But Manjit Ubti, a psychotherapist specialising in marriage and relationship counselling, advises that couples can try to improve things by establishing shared goals.
“You need to recycle the relationship,” she says. “Set a shared goal or interest, and pursue it together.”
Su and Andrew Lyell’s shared interest is converting a barn in the French Alps into a ski-chalet which they rent out as a business. The couple commute between England and France.
But their grand, shared project hasn’t all been plain sailing.
“We found out lots of irritating new things about each other,” says Su. “There were times when we couldn’t eat or sleep, with builders not turning up or doing what we wanted, and the constant tension of the budget changing.
“We now have a more realistic marriage. It has been tested, and we have discovered each other’s biggest faults. Marriage is not easy, but we have a shared vision.
“We’ve made our peace with the fact that the early frisson has gone, but we have a more solid marriage as a result.”
Professor Cooper agrees that realism is the key. It may only be semi-happy, but there is an acceptance of each other’s faults and irritations.
“The marriages that survive are the ones in which the couple will ride out the rough with the smooth, and be on the journey together,” he says. Karen Sherr, 48, probably speaks for many wives when she explains the essence of her own marriage. She has accepted its limitations, seeing marriage as a work-in-progress rather than a state of ecstasy.
“Sometimes, I look at other couples and think they have far more exciting lives than us,” she says. “We’ve got here by surviving the bumps together, by going through periods of being only half happy.
“Many couples today expect too much of marriage. Of course the excitement is going to go, but, if you are lucky, that is replaced by a comfortable pleasure in each other’s company.”
Karen, a managing director, and Rob, 52, have been married for almost 25 years. They live in Pinner in Middlesex, and have three children - Mathew, 22, Alex, 20, and Emily, 18.
Karen says, “I was only 23 when we married, and for many of our early years we were playing at being married. We had no idea just how stressful and full of tension life together could be.”
She admits there were many times in the early years of her marriage when she doubted whether this was the life she wanted. Yet despite this, the couple are still together more than two decades later.
Karen says: “Rob and I don’t have an exciting life - we don’t go out clubbing or take lots of exotic holidays - but we discuss everything together, and we love simple things like going for long walks or sitting down with the family to watch a film.”
They have experienced their share of challenges.
Karen says: “Life is full of complications which knock you, and it is all too easy to take these worries and strains out on each other. I think the secret of staying together is to be open with each other - even if you don’t like what your spouse is telling you. My view is that it’s better to know, even if you don’t approve or it upsets you.
“I think we are still together because we realised that marriages can survive without romance and excitement. There will be times when you are bored with each other, when life seems routine. Accept it.”
Karen says the hardest time was when the children were young, and the marriage was tested to its limits.
“Everyone was fighting for attention and it was exhausting. I was trying to fit my work around looking after the children, feeling I wasn’t getting enough support. I used to look at my unmarried friends and think: ‘Your life is much more interesting than mine’.”
What saved Karen and Rob was that they realised the way to cope was to share how they were feeling.
“There were times when we screamed at each other,” she admits. “But we never bottled it up.”
Today, the couple have the shared goal of Karen’s business. She runs Musical Minis, a pre-school music group for babies and toddlers. Rob helps in the evenings and at weekends.
Karen says: “A shared goal is important in long-term marriages. You have to bring new ideas and freshness into a relationship, or life can become stale.”
Wedded bliss, it seems, belongs in story-books. But interestingly, the most recent statistics reveal that divorce rates in the UK are falling. A report by the Office for National Statistics shows the number of divorces in England and Wales in 2009 (the latest year published) was 113,949, a 6.4 percent decrease since 2008, when there were 121,708 - and the lowest since 1974.
This was the sixth consecutive year that the number of divorces has fallen, from a peak of 153,065 in 2003.
This may reflect a growing trend for couples to stay put and try to work on a marriage rather than bail out of it.
“Semi-happy” may sound like something of a half-measure, but maybe it’s the true hallmark of a mature marriage in which expectations are managed to the benefit of both parties. - Daily Mail